In tribute to the best buds of our taste buds, we drafted 56 of the world’s top condiments, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why? We thought the day could use a little flavor.
DRAFT METRICS.
Prior to each draft, four categories are chosen for statistical evaluation of each prospect:
1. UPSIDE. Factoring in a condiment’s unsung nutritional boosts.
Metric: (Vitamin A + Vitamin C + Calcium + Iron % per Tablespoon)
2. DRAWBACKS. Holding each condiment calorically accountable.
Metric: ((100 – Calories Per Tablespoon) / 10)
3. ACCLAIM. Crediting condiments with positive media mentions over time.
Metric: (0.4 x Huffington Post 2014 Top 25 Inverse Rank) + (0.5 x Huffington Post 2016 Top 20 Inverse Rank)
4. INTANGIBLES. As this process is still inherently subjective, we allow each GM to score each prospect, from 1 to 5, by whatever unfounded opinions they have formed.
Metric: (GM1 Score + GM2 Score)
The combined score from these four categories equals a Draftee’s Overall Prospect Rating (OPR), which will allow GMs to compare draftees over several dissimilar categories throughout the course of time.
YOUR GMs.
Each draft is conducted between two teams, Team Humanity and Team Chaos.
DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF HUMANITY:
Dylan Lamb, Founder of The Everything Draft.
Send him your thoughts.
DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF CHAOS:
Patrick Strauss, Adjunct Contrarian Aid Worker.
Contribute to the Lubwe Zambia Fund.
THE DRAFT.
The Condiment Draft will be performed in a classic serpentine style, with a 1-2–2-1 structure for every round. At the time of Drafting, Dylan had 27 condiments in his refrigerator, compared to Patrick’s 16. From this, he received the draft’s first pick.
ROUNDS 1-3
1. SALSA. 37.3 OPR.
Dylan: This pick is a bit like Danny Almonte pitching in the Little League World Series: ‘Dip Purists’ could certainly see salsa’s condiment eligibility as unethical, but it’s so resoundingly dominant that it would be hard to go in a different direction once it passed the censors. Its Overall Player Rating rests comforatably between Christmas and The Godfather. It’s delicious, versatile and essentially guilt-free. Plus, it’s very fun to say.
Patrick: Salsa is half of possibly the best snack on the planet. It can go on just about every meat. It’s fantastic. Solid pick.
2. SALT. 30.0 OPR.
Patrick: You may have Danny Almonte, but I have the glove, the ball, the bat and your uniform. Salt won’t make you fat, it’s in every recipe on the planet, and in probably every other condiment on this list. Your salsa tasting a little bland, #TeamHumanity?
Dylan: Salt is hard to argue with. Not very many condiments can line a delicious drink, flavor up any meal, and de-ice a sidewalk. Though compared to my top selection, “Salt Dancing” is a far inferior form of dancing.
3. SRIRACHA. 30.1 OPR.
Patrick: Pizza. Eggs. Rice. I’m not sure there is a real downside here. On a personal note, I ate it on every meal for a full year in Zambia when I had no other condiments and I still didn’t OD on it. It holds a special place in my heart for getting me through an otherwise underwhelming eating year.
Dylan: I’m surprised and appalled at how many meals are enhanced by Sriracha. Kudos.
4. MAYONNAISE. 25.1 OPR
Dylan: In a draft with great depth in multiple condiment subcategories, mayo is a unicorn. It’s the Kristaps Porzingis of condiments; unsexy, yet beastial. America is currently going through a complete #Mayonnaiseassance, as it was the number one selling condiment in the U.S. in 2017.
5. DIJON MUSTARD. 30.5 OPR
Dylan: I’m honored to take the first mustard off the board, and the top ranking one by a considerable margin. Shout out to Wayne’s World for bringing this once-elitist mustard into the mainstream.
6. CHOLULA. 28.4 OPR.
Patrick: #TeamChaos is overjoyed that #TeamHumanity allowed me to draft the best two hot sauces on this list, bar none. Your food is looking pretty bland over there, Mayo Boy.
7. AIOLI. 19.1 OPR.
Patrick: Aioli is mayo but with more flavor. There isn’t a single edible food item I can think of that I would choose mayo over aioli. I don’t know what #TeamHumanity was thinking by picking the blander of two options when the entire purpose of any condiment is to add flavor to a dish.
Dylan: Enjoy that garlic mouth, Guy Fieri. You could have had aioli in the tenth round.
8. FRANK’S RED HOT. 25.4 OPR.
Dylan: Acquiring my personal hot sauce of choice at 8. This is my go-to condiment.
Patrick: Welcome to the spice game.
9. GUACAMOLE. 20.9 OPR.
Dylan: Eleven years ago, I told my sister as we watched a movie together that if she made me guacamole at that very minute that she could be the Best Man at my wedding. I’m happy to say that we both followed through on that agreement, and I don’t think either of us believe we got the short end of the stick.Guac + Salsa = a critical injury to #TeamChaos.
Patrick: DAMN! I thought I could sneak this one through a round, and may have blown it. There is zero downside to guacamole. Even when you’re pigging out, you can reassure yourself by saying, “yeah, but avocados are, like, a good fat”. My only defense is saying that both need salt and that feels a little petty.
Dylan: That’s kind of like saying aioli needs mayo though, yeah?
Patrick: Don’t kick me while I’m down.
10. HORSERADISH. 29.1 OPR.
Patrick: Spicing up bland mashed potatoes, making all roasted meats better, included in all legitimate bloody marys, and boasting an extremely (somewhat surprisingly) high metric score. I’m enjoying the ‘goes in cocktails’ advantage that#TeamChaos is currently dunking on #TeamHumanity with.
Dylan: You’re still the guy throwing an aioli party while everyone’s down the street at my bomb fiesta.
Patrick: With no Cholula?
Dylan: I think they’ll manage with Frank.
Patrick: I didn’t realize they were having buffalo wing spiced tacos but okay.
11. WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. 26.9 OPR.
Patrick: I believe this checks in as the condiment with the highest upside on this list.
Dylan: Cornering the bloody mary market was a savvy pivot.
12. BUTTER. 16.8 OPR.
Dylan: Butter might have some off-the-field issues, but my goodness can this condiment shine in multiple formations.
Patrick: Butter is a brilliant pick, metric scores and heart disease be damned.
ROUNDS 4-8
13. BARBECUE SAUCE. 28.4 OPR.
Dylan: Clogging up the lane, and several essential bodily passages. The perhaps-overhyped metrics on barbecue sauce counters the unfortunate statistical shunning of butter. I put barbecue sauce on way more things than I should, and will always opt for it as a dipping sauce over its more populist tomato-based counterpart.
Patrick: Oh, the dynamic fat duo of butter and barbecue sauce. It’s lower on my personal list, but I’m not arguing with it as the 13th overall pick. I would have come blazing if you had taken it in the first few rounds.
14. SOY SAUCE. 24.8 OPR.
15. FISH SAUCE. 25.0 OPR.
Patrick: This combo is the basis for most Eastern and Southeast Asian cooking. Combine these two with sriracha and I think I have the draft cornered for about half of the earth’s population.
Dylan: As the guy who took salt number one, I see that sodium levels didn’t scare you away from an otherwise flavorful duo at a nice value.
16. WASABI. 21.8 OPR.
17. SOUR CREAM. 20.9 OPR.
Dylan: Wasabi is here to play solid defense on horseradish while adding a volatile flavor punch per serving. And you can add sour cream to my baked potato / backyard fiesta culture.
Patrick: I love wasabi, but I’m probably the only person I know who only likes sour cream disguised as something else. I have no snarky remark, but it doesn’t please me personally.
18. CREAM CHEESE. 20.0 OPR.
Patrick: I will take sour cream’s distant cousin, and its higher Intangibles rating.
19. KETCHUP. 23.7 OPR.
Patrick: I’m doing it. I’m going with the completely overrated, but possibly most-consumed condiment, ketchup. Kid’s menus everywhere endorse this pick.
Dylan: I hate to say it, but as excited as I was to see it plummet, we might have done ketchup a disservice.
Patrick: Same. I was going to rail on you if you had taken it in your first three picks, but it’s pretty much the first thing most Americans think of when the word ‘condiment’ is mentioned.
20. OLIVE OIL. 9.3 OPR.
21. VINEGAR. 32.5 OPR.
Dylan: Butter + olive oil is a death lineup, and vinegar’s metrics help me justify reaching for o.o. this early. This round is for anyone who would just like ‘a light salad’.
Patrick: I can’t think of the last time I used vinegar in any cooking, but it gets a lot of use when I scrub my toilet. Which is definitely what you want in a condiment.
22. HOISIN SAUCE. 26.2 OPR.
Patrick: Continuing my dominance in Asian Cuisine.
Dylan:#TeamChaos = #TeamSalt.
Patrick: I’d argue that #TeamChaos = #TeamFlavor, which is what I think condiments are primarily about.
23. SPICY BROWN MUSTARD. 18.5 OPR.
Patrick: My favorite of the mustards, and certainly the best remaining.
24. PEPPER. 18.4 OPR.
Dylan: As this is a game of foils, I will take pepper, twenty-two picks after salt. Next time the waiter at a nice restaurant asks if you want some fresh cracked pepper on your anything, just try saying no.
Patrick: I read an article basically stating that pepper is only used to mask poorly prepared foods. I’m not saying, but others are.
25. RANCH DRESSING. 17.0 OPR.
Dylan: Taking this here to get my Kids’ Menu / Late Night Pizza Party demographics up. This is a staple guilty pleasure at our house, and I would not have been safe in my home had it gotten away from me.
Patrick: Ranch can only bee thought of as a guilty pleasure, and I think most Americans consider it one of theirs. Good pick.
26. PESTO. 23.0 OPR.
Patrick: Stepping up my pizza, pasta, and interesting panini add-on game.
Dylan: Pesto’s upside is off the charts. Not my tempo, but I can dig.
27. HUMMUS. 17.3 OPR.
28. PEANUT BUTTER. 14.0 OPR.
29. MALT VINEGAR. 17.0 OPR.
Patrick: Congrats. You got the condiment that goes with a bland combo of fried white fish and fried white potatoes.
Dylan: What do you have against vinegars? Did something happen to you? You can talk to me.
30. SUGAR. 15.2 OPR.
31. JAM. 25.4 OPR.
Patrick: Lowering my metric score to take sugar, and recognizing that this prospect is the leading cause of obesity, but it’s worth scooping up to pair with salt and own the two ingredients in virtually every other condiment on this list. I’m also going with jam to dampen your peanut butter selection.
Dylan: This is a nice pied pipering of sweettooth voters.
32. HARISSA. 20.0 OPR.
Dylan: Scooping up an elite prospect with sriracha-like potential at 32.
Patrick: I’m proud of you for embracing flavor. Go get that Tunisian vote.
ROUNDS 9-14
33. YELLOW MUSTARD. 23.5 OPR.
Dylan: Any time you see a ketchup bottle, yellow mustard is rarely far behind, blowing in its ear.
Patrick: And just like any team who’s taken a flyer on Lance Stephenson, you are left wondering why you even brought yellow mustard into the game at all with so many other options available.
34. CHUTNEY. 22.5 OPR.
Patrick: The versatile chutney goes great with pork.
Dylan: “Chutney: Goes Great With Pork!”
Patrick: I regretted that immediately, but the point stands. Also, that OPR.
35. TABASCO. 24.4 OPR.
36. HONEY MUSTARD. 21.8 OPR.
37. COCKTAIL SAUCE. 16.5 OPR.
Dylan: Cocktail sauce gets me ketchup, horseradish, worcesershire and tobasco, provided I don’t mind eating them all at once.
38. ALMOND BUTTER. 14.9 OPR.
39. MARGERINE. 14.5 OPR.
Patrick: Maybe I can steal the lactose intolerant vote?
Dylan: Fake. Butter. The purists aren’t going to like this one.
Patrick: No animals were harmed!
Dylan: Despite its notable upside, I Can’t Believe it got drafted at all.
Patrick: I see what you did. I’m happy to have Fabio join Guy Fieri as co-mascots of my draft. I’m not sure which celebrities you’re bringing in, but I will surely win Best Hair between our two teams.
Dylan: I mean, Wayne and Garth rocking Grey Poupon might keep the hair score close.
Patrick: Oh good point.
40. PICKLE RELISH. 20.2 OPR.
41. JELLY. 15.0 OPR.
42. HP BROWN SAUCE. 14.2 OPR.
Patrick: I had to Google this, but it is named after the House of Parliament, and I’ll take it to combat your fish and chips.
Dylan: The Battle for the Brits just got a bit more interesting. Now it’s a game of chicken over who stoops for Marmite.
Patrick: At #TeamChaos, we like to enjoy our food and make it taste good, so Marmite is all you.
Dylan: It’s decided, then. Marmite will go undrafted.
43. TAHINI. 14.5 OPR.
44. MISO. 15.6 OPR.
45. COCONUT AMINOS. 8.5 OPR.
Patrick: You drafted the only other item besides HP Brown sauce that no one has ever purchased.
Dylan: A bottle of coconut aminos is above my oven right now. Way healthier than soy sauce, and Whole 30 Compliant!
Patrick: I have many jokes but congrats on getting healthy.
46. RED PEPPER JELLY. 12.5 OPR.
47. SWEET & SOUR. 11.6 OPR.
48. PLUM SAUCE. 13.5 OPR.
49. TERIYAKI SAUCE. 9.5 OPR.
50. SESAME OIL. 4.0 OPR.
51. A1 STEAK SAUCE. 14.5 OPR.
52. APPLE BUTTER. 8.0 OPR.
53. HEINZ 57. 13.0 OPR.
54. MIRACLE WHIP. 8.0 OPR.
55. TARTAR SAUCE. 11.7 OPR.
Dylan: You definitely dominated the Kids Menu condiments.
Patrick: It’s nostalgic eating over here at #TeamChaos.
MR. IRRELEVANT:
56. VEGEMITE. 12.7 OPR.
Dylan:The Men At Work song is 100% responsible for Vegemite having a roster spot right now.
UNDRAFTEDS:
XX. MARMITE. 8.8 OPR.
XX. COCONUT OIL. 0.0 OPR.
Draft Duration: 2 hours, 44 minutes.
Roughly the length of time it takes to get any ketchup out of a glass bottle.
BY THE METRICS.
AVERAGE UPSIDE: #TeamHumanity (2.3) < #TeamChaos(3.3)
INVERSE CALORIE AVERAGE: #TeamHumanity (4.9) < #TeamChaos (6.0)
AVERAGE HUFFPO RATING: #TeamHumanity (4.3) > #TeamChaos (4.2)
AVERAGE INTANGIBLES RATING: #TeamHumanity (7.4) > #TeamChaos (6.1)
AVERAGE PROSPECT RATING: #TeamHumanity (18.9) < #TeamChaos (19.6)
CONCLUSION.
The final, ever-evolving rosters for Team Humanity and Team Chaos can be found here.
Who leaves victorious? That choice is yours.
Please cast your vote below. You might as well: you’ve already made it to the bottom of this very long list.
Apply your toppings responsibly, and check out what’s Next on Draft.
The Everything Draft 