Draft – The Everything Draft

One-Hit Wonders (Draft 4)

As an ode to the hits that didn’t keep on coming, we are drafting 84 of the top One-Hit Wonders, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this, you ask? In short: one of us really wished they had “Jessie’s Girl”.

DRAFT METRICS.
Prior to each draft, four categories are chosen for statistical evaluation of each prospect:

1. MOCKS. Forming some sense of initial order from a very long list.
Metric: ((Ranker Ranking + VH1 Ranking) / 20)
2. ALL-STAR VOTES. Recognizing a shortlist of top performers, in quantity and quality.
Metric: ((Spotify Top 15 Plays Ranking + Rolling Stone Top 10 Reader Rating) / 2)
3. POTENTIAL. Gives future legends their weighted due.
Metric: (Inverse Refinery 29 One Hit Wonder of 90s-2010s Inverse Ranking / 3)
4. INTANGIBLES. As this process is still inherently subjective, we allow each GM to score each prospect, from 1 to 5, by whatever unfounded opinions they have formed.
Metric: (GM1 Score + GM2 Score)

The combined score from these four categories equals a Draftee’s Overall Prospect Rating (OPR), which will allow GMs to compare draftees over several dissimilar categories throughout the course of time.

YOUR GMs.
Each draft is conducted between two teams, Team Humanity and Team Chaos.

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF HUMANITY:
Dylan Lamb, Founder of The Everything Draft.
Send him your thoughts.

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF CHAOS:
Bart Keller, Karaoke Kamikaze.
Look at a terrifying photo from his old MySpace page.

THE DRAFT.
The One-Hit Wonder Draft will be performed in a classic serpentine style, with a 1–2–2–1 structure for every round. At the time of Drafting, Bart had sung twenty-one of the listed prospects at karaoke, compared to Dylan’s one. From this, he received the draft’s first pick.

ROUNDS 1-3

1. “JESSIE’S GIRL” (RICK SPRINGFIELD). 10.0 OPR.
Bart: I know it doesn’t have a high Overall Player Ranking, but this is the greatest One-Hit Wonder, period. People hearing it for the first time today would still like it. It’s a great karaoke song, and it doesn’t get old. Theres’ only a handful of One-Hit Wonders that can say that. It deserves the honor.
Dylan: It’s a catchy tune, to be sure. The fact that it was mocked in the mid-eighties didn’t make you think you could have picked this up a little later?
Bart: If I walked out of this draft without this song it would have been like leaving my house without an umbrella: I might not need it, but I’m damn glad to have it. This song is like the Manu Ginobili of the draft: Hall of Fame, valued way lower than it should have been.
Dylan: Right, but Ginobili was picked 57th overall, which is undoubtedly part of his charm.
Bart: Maybe I should say Tom Brady.
Dylan: Brady went 99th overall, but I get your point. Is Rick Springfield even a true One-Hit Wonder? He had like five songs on Billboard’s Top 10. Such accolades excluded the likes of Hanson from this draft.
Bart: I will answer that question with a fun fact: this song was actually about a “Gary’s Girl”.
Dylan: I’d befriend a “Gary with a Y” long before I’d ever trust a “Jessie with an I-E”.

2. “NOTHING COMPARES 2 U” (SINEAD O’CONNOR). 28.7 OPR.
Dylan: Sinead crushes this. It’s flirtatious, sorrowful and unifying. And it is the only One- Hit Wonder that was also written by Prince, which to me is worth rewarding.
Bart: That’s just a great song.

3. “THE MACARENA” (LOS DEL RIO). 25.3 OPR.
Dylan: It may be polarizing, but everyone over the age of seven has probably executed this dance at some point. Perhaps more impressive about the Macarena is the ultimate One-Hit Wonderness of it all: it rose to Number One on the Billboard charts, and Los Del Rio had no chance — or even intention — of ever returning to competition with a follow-up number. To top it off, it’s one of the few songs associated with its own dance that doesn’t tell you what to do in the song’s lyrics. Being told how to dance is a big pet peeve of mine. The Macarena was more than a dance, it was a movement.
Bart: Yeah, no. Can’t do it. That song is fun for a minute and a half. Who doesn’t go get a drink during the last minute of the Macarena? I agree with the sentiments, but I think if you played nothing but One-Hit Wonders in any social situation you’d fare better with playing most other songs.
Dylan: Just wait, you’ll be wishing you had ‘The Macarena‘ like it was Jessie’s Girl.

4. “TAKE ON ME” (A-HA). 38.3 OPR.
Bart: Great karaoke song, danceable when you’re drunk, and you can play it for the kids you’re babysitting. It’s synth at its peak powers, other than maybe “The Final Countdown“. And that music video? It’s the 80’s in a firecracker.
Dylan: “Take On Me” scored just above Salsa and just below Christmas in Overall Player Ranking. Synth isn’t everyone’s flavor, but this one is hard to argue with.
Bart: I mean, synth is lame, so to make it something ‘not lame’ is an achievement.

5. “COME ON EILEEN” (DEXY’S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS). 35.8 OPR.
Dylan: You used “Jessie’s Girl” to rope-a-dope me out of the top two rated songs of the evening. Good on ya.
Bart: Everyone will sing along regardless of the situation. Car, bar, getting reading in the morning, reading alone in the evening… This song is everything, without the polarizing synth.
Dylan: It includes all of the amazing tropes of an annoying, overlong song: key changes, slowing down and then speeding back up, repeating forever and ever… But the overalls are a huge get.
Bart: Having this song on your team is like playing with a ball-hog: it does everything, even if you don’t need it to, and dealing with it is tiring… but like, what other choice do you have?

6. “SPIRIT IN THE SKY” (NORMAN GREENBAUM). 34.3 OPR.
Dylan: Norman Greenbaum called his shot about all the cool stuff that would happen to him once he died, and then just got to sing that song until he actually died, and now everyone knows at least one person made it to the afterlife because no one has ever been more confident that they were going there than Norman Greenbaum. If you’re going to only have one hit, why not use it for the immunity of your own immortality?
Bart: It’s a ‘great-mood’ song. Like, when I want to feel like I’m too busy with my own thoughts to deal with anyone else’s, that song would play in slow-motion. It’s like being on a road trip for four minutes, no matter where you are.

7. “TORN” (NATALIE IMBRUGLIA). 25.4 OPR.
Dylan: Going from someone who had a crazy amount of faith to someone who was ‘all out of’ it. This song is an open-wound catharsis.
Bart: Shout out to people we used to adore! I don’t think this song ages well. I think every teenager loves it, but I would not currently use it in a movie.
Dylan: I must lie naked on the floor, cold and shamed, way more than you do. No judgement.

8. “TAINTED LOVE” (SOFT CELL). 30.5 OPR.
Bart: I didn’t intend to corner the 80s, but here we are.
Dylan: It’s a strong decade to jump ahead in, but this song’s a ‘soft sell’ for me. “Sometimes I feel I’ve got to run away” is way less captivating than “NOTHING’S RIGHT, I’M TORN”.
Bart: I can be a geek at a frat house and make five friends instantly by playing this song at the right time.
Dylan: You and your fratty friends have a good time clearing the dance floor.

9. “99 LUFTBALLONS” (NENA). 24.9 OPR.
Dylan: I had a feeling you’d end up with this, but I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it.
Bart: It starts so cinematically and then… goes into funk? Yes please!

10. “TUBTHUMPING” (CHUMBAWAMBA). 28.7 OPR.
Bart: Ah yes, a little bit of Night Pissing to round out the Top 10. I thought I’d almost cornered the “drunk dude” demographic until you put in that pick.
Dylan: The metrics were too high to pass up, and I needed a song of resilience heading into the meat of our selections after your statistically dominating first selections.

11. “BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY” (THE VERVE). 23.2 OPR.
Bart: I’d consider this my first real loss of the night. This one hurts.
Dylan: My melancholy metrics are off the charts right now. This seems like a song from a band that should have been capable of more hits.
Bart: I one-hundred percent agree. Except, did you hear The Rolling Stones sued these guys and, if I heard right, got all of the song’s profits, minus touring?
Dylan: That goes well with my Natalie Imruglia pick then, as she was also sued out of her mind for her big hit.
Bart: Good, my number one pick “isn’t” a One-Hit Wonder, and your early set is made up of criminal plagiarists.

12. “BABY GOT BACK” (SIR MIX-A-LOT). 22.4 OPR.
Bart: I still have to entertain the wedding receptions, as is the duty of my list so far. This song is does not have universal appeal: you hate it if you’re sitting by yourself, but when that song comes on, and there are three or more people around, and it’s not Book Club, we’re all doing a pre-twerk.
Dylan: I like that Sir Mix-A-Lot champions a ‘healthy’ butt. Is he the first knighted artist taken off the board this evening?
Bart: Yes; Nena was only named Minister of Defense.
Dylan: She has 99 Luftballons, but a knighthood ain’t one.

ROUNDS 4-8

13. “MY SHARONA” (THE KNACK). 21.1 OPR.
Bart: A One-Hit Wonder’s lasting appeal is its ability to ignite ‘the party’.
Dylan: You could argue that this is a song about some unwanted sexual attention toward Sharona, since she never gives this guy the ‘time’ of day and he kind of keeps going down a creepy spiral anyways. “I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind” is Exhibit A in this argument.
Bart: I should have done more research. This song is nasty… But, you know, catchy little diddy?
Dylan: I guess he couldn’t get out another hit from prison?
Bart: Ha! “My parole-a!”

14. “ICE ICE BABY” (VANILLA ICE). 29.0 OPR.
Dylan: I have a very soft spot for when a One-Hit Wonder artist’s name and the name of their one hit overlap in a Venn diagram, or play off each other.
Bart: I’d like to point out that this song dropped about eight spots from where it was projected to go, and I couldn’t be more proud of us.
Dylan: I felt, in the wake of your pervy “My Sharona” pick, that Vanilla Ice reminding us to “stop, collaborate and listen” couldn’t have come at a better time.

15. “BITCH” (MEREDITH BROOKS). 21.4 OPR.
Dylan: You play this with “Torn” back-to-back, and you’ll be filled with enough angsty, empowering rage to get you through any day of the week.
Bart: Yet both songs are surprisingly vague for how much we feel like we relate to them?
Dylan: What’s vague about being ‘nothing in between’ sixteen contradictory titles that Meredith Brooks says she simultaneously is? Count me in.

16. “CRAZY” (GNARLS BARKLEY). 20.0 OPR.
Bart: This song is like a pigeon walking: if the head doesn’t bob, that bird is broken.
Dylan: Wasn’t sure where you were going with this pigeon thing, but you stuck the landing. Great pick, too.

17. “THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT” (THE TOKENS). 19.8 OPR.
Bart: A sweet jam, oddly timeless, and it’s just as audacious now as it was 40 years ago. It’s an impressive karaoke song, too, if you can pull it off, even if it’s a bit repetitive.
Dylan: ‘A bit repetitive’? It makes “Come On Eileen” look like it was written by Homer. The notoriety factor cannot be ignored, though: it’s probably the most repeated baseline vocalization south of “Stand by Me”.
Bart: This is a golden One-Hit Wonder, and didn’t deserve to drop any further.

19. “WALKING ON SUNSHINE” (KATRINA AND THE WAVES). 22.6 OPR.
Dylan: This song makes me go nuts.
Bart: Damn! Argh!! Jeally!!!
Dylan: I also appreciate the check-in of ‘don’t it feel good?’ that Katrina offers us. It’s something that The Knack could have tried out with ‘Sharona’ every once in a while.
Bart: That dirty, dirty Knack.

18. “DO YOU LOVE ME” (THE CONTOURS). 19.5 OPR.
Bart: You’re killing me softly. Great song for kids and elders alike. A wedding reception classic.
Dylan: Someone broke this guy’s heart, because he couldn’t dance? First of all, cold. But what does he do?
Bart: He learns to dance!
Dylan: He goes and learns several forms of dance, not out of revenge, but in a Gastby-esque act of adoration.
Bart: Yeah! He didn’t act like a bitch, but a lover! Not a child, but a mother…f*#king awesome guy!
Dylan: He used the Vanilla Ice Method: he stopped. He collaborated. He listened. And then he came back with a brand new invention. Can we give a moment of complete respect for the TOTAL FADE OUT, followed by a FULL VOLUME REPRISE?
Bart: NO ONE sees it coming!

20. “867-5309 / JENNY” (TOMMY TUTONE). 19.1 OPR.
Bart: Speaking of things you did see coming, me picking this song. No worries of inappropriate activity here: this guy is in love with a number he got from a bathroom.
Dylan: Where’s the area code, Jenny??

21. “TURNING JAPANESE” (THE VAPORS). 23.0 OPR.
Bart: This song is about what Tommy Tutone did after calling Jenny’s number.
Dylan: Masturbation can be such a harmless, solitary act. Why did The Vapors have to implicate an entire country in the process?
Bart: It is a bit like saying “I’m gonna take the Browns to the Superbowl”: just like, why bring them into it?

22. “I TRY” (MACY GRAY). 19.0 OPR.
Dylan: This is my one and only karaoke song on this list. I can sing it in whatever state I’m in, and it makes me feel divine. Macy hit with this one at the exact right moment in my awkward adolescence. I treasure it with all my heart, and will happily take it a round or two too high.
Bart: This song ignites things. It’s retro, yet modern. It belts while speaking softly.

23. “I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE” (THE DARKNESS). 19.0 OPR.
Dylan: The Darkness might have been the greatest band on earth for four total minutes.
Bart: This is a karaoke dynamo. When asked “are you a joke, or are you a serious rock band?” The Darkness replied, “I don’t see why we can’t be both”.

24. “IN A BIG COUNTRY” (BIG COUNTRY). 18.7 OPR.
Bart: This song fulfills your ‘Vanilla Ice Venn diagram’ requirements of having the name of the band in the name of the song, and I think the guitar does a really impressive bagpipe thing.
Dylan: The music video storyline is quite intense! But to be fair, Scotland is not that big of a country.

25. “YOUNG FOLKS” (PETER BJORN & JOHN). 18.0 OPR.
Bart: Whistle at its peak.
Dylan: No comma in ‘Peter Bjorn & John’? I’ll pass.

26. “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” (BAHA MEN). 22.4 OPR.
Bart: Have it. The song isn’t even fun anymore.
Dylan: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry. They’re all in Hawaiian shirts, surrounded by dogs.
Bart: We all fell for it at the time, but that song is barely catchy except you can bark at it.
Dylan: I feel like we’re speaking different languages here.

27. “I TOUCH MYSELF” (DIVINYLS). 18.9 OPR.
Dylan: Selecting a song about masturbation that doesn’t have to implicate another nationality in order to get their kicks.
Bart: Classy move taking one of them, I’ll have less to explain to my mom now.

28. “WHIP IT” (DEVO). 18.9 OPR.
Bart: Whip it!
Dylan: Skip it —
Bart: Into shape! The song is confusing in its popularity, but it’s not too long and I like the synth more than most.
Dylan: You are OD’ing on synth right now and it’s honestly not the worst strategy.

29. “TAKE ME OUT” (FRANZ FERDINAND). 18.0 OPR.
Bart: Talk about a band I thought I’d be seeing more of! This song takes a deceptive intro and a disco beat and turns it into a stomping good time.
Dylan: Plus it’s like three songs in one. Great value.
Bart: Yeah, it does a little bit of everything. It’s the Shohei Ohtani of the draft.

30. “CAT’S IN THE CRADLE” (HARRY CHAPIN). 18.3 OPR.
31. “MY NECK, MY BACK (LICK IT)” (KHIA). 18.0 OPR.
Dylan: It is one of the rare privileges of my entire life to draft these two One-Hit Wonders back-to-back. One is the bleakest of lifelong missed connections with one’s father. The other is the most explicit of instructions as to how to please Khia. I’m trembling at the might of them joining forces as they walk to the podium together. Am I crying right now?
Bart: This is, by far, the best one-two punch of the whole draft. Both lyrically jarring, both centered around themes that evolve throughout their respective songs… I’d say these two songs are soulmates. Together, they’re like a good book dipped in KY jelly. You might need to go to Hogwarts with all that magic.

ROUNDS 9-15

32. “NO RAIN” (BLIND MELON). 17.8 OPR.
33. “FLAGPOLE SITTA” (HARVEY DANGER). 17.4 OPR.
Dylan: For the curious: Would you rather be a Flagpole Sitter or a Blind Melon?
Bart: A Blind Melon. You wouldn’t know your fate. The Flagpole Sitter knows all too well.

34. “MAMBO NO. 5” (LOU BEGA). 17.7 OPR.
35. “O-O-H CHILD” (FIVE STAIR STEPS). 17.7 OPR.
Dylan: What #TeamChaos has in synths, #TeamHumanity is stockpiling in brass and strings. While the bridge in ‘Mambo’ does include a portion of a song telling me what to do, I’ll allow it since Lou Bega is secretly from Germany and that’s hilarious to me.
Bart: #TeamHumanity is also corning ‘Friday Night Sweatpants and Whiskey’ parties, which is a scene I frequent as well. I find ‘O-O-H Child’ forgettable, and ‘Mambo’ might only be fun to people who were around when it came out.
Dylan: ‘O-O-H Child’ is on my roster to console ‘Torn’ and ‘Bittersweet Symphony’. It’s a chemistry thing.
Bart: Ah yes, a real ‘glue guy’.

36. “DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY” (BOBBY MCFERRIN). 16.7 OPR.
37. “WHOOMP! THERE IT IS” (TAG TEAM). 13.5 OPR.
Bart: Getting a real steal and a real reach here. ‘Don’t Worry’ should be in a Top Ten of any One-Hit Wonder list. That song is true greatness. I think both of these picks have to do with the smile they each put on my face.
Dylan: Can’t get more ‘feel good’ than this round for you.

38. “IT’S RAINING MEN” (THE WEATHER GIRLS). 16.4 OPR.
39. “RAPPER’S DELIGHT” (THE SUGARHILL GANG). 13.3 OPR.
Dylan: The Weather Girls went ALL IN on this rain metaphor, the ultimate ‘Vanilla Ice Venn Diagram’ success story. And at 15 minutes long, ‘Rapper’s Delight’ is like a 5-for-1 Costco value-pack of a song.
Bart: ‘Rapper’s Delight’ is a hot take. Other than the bass line, that song is not good. And it is way too long. Talk about ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ syndrome!
Dylan: You can’t teach size.

40. “I’M GONNA BE (500 MILES)” (THE PROCLAIMERS). 12.3 OPR.
Dylan: You’re dominating the Scottish market of One-Hit Wonders here.
Bart: This has to be the best song by a set of twins, ever.

41. “JUMP AROUND” (HOUSE OF PAIN). 12.0 OPR.
Bart: ‘Jump Around’ is so necessary. THIS is the Manu Ginobili of the draft. It’s a Hall of Famer, undeniable, drafted way too low and always part of a contender. Does ‘Jump Around’ count as a lyric that tells you what to do?
Dylan: I’ll say that’s why I didn’t pick it, but in reality, this is a huge loss. I’m devastated to have missed out on this one. The metrics did wrong to bury ‘Jump Around’, in spite of our perfect Intangibles ratings. Though, even at the 41st pick, it’s still ranked higher than ‘Jessie’s Girl’ in Overall Player Ranking.

42. “ESCAPE (THE PIÑA COLADA SONG)” (RUPERT HOLMES). 12.4 OPR.
43. “JUST A FRIEND” (BIZ MARKIE). 13.2 OPR.
Dylan: Drunken late-night piano bar singalong, party of two.
Bart: Wow, yeah, exactly. Those are two guilty pleasure songs. You’ve successfully pissed off ten percent of the population who don’t share your opinion on these two. ‘Just a Friend’ can literally piss people off.
Dylan: I considered taking ‘Piña Colada’ number one overall before the metrics came in. It makes me that happy. Most people think it’s a Jimmy Buffet song because it makes you feel that good.
Bart: I hear you. The whole “cheating on our spouses with each other” thing… yowza. That song is a cupcake with almost too much frosting. But if you would have drafted it number one overall, I would have strongly disagreed with that. ‘Piña’ is the Rudy Gay of the draft. It’s a niche song disguised as a crowd-pleaser.
Dylan: Rudy Gay was drafted eighth overall. A stunner like this at forty-three doesn’t come around like this very often.
Bart: I say this as a fan of the song! I think forty-three is a good spot for it, but the metrics overrate it.
Dylan: I’m fuming over here. ‘The Piña Colada Song’ is — I’ll say it — better than ‘Margaritaville’.
Bart: Yeah, that’s fine. But ‘Margaritaville’ is not that good of a song.

44. “6 UNDERGROUND” (SNEAKER PIMPS). 8.0 OPR.
Bart: This song is the hit of its genre, whatever that genre is.
Dylan: It’s etherial, it’s catchy. It feels like a secret from a cool kid.

45. “CLOSING TIME” (SEMISONIC). 7.0 OPR.
Bart: Everyone will leave the bar after this song, but they won’t leave before it’s over.

46. “SUGAR SUGAR” (THE ARCHIES). 21.0 OPR.
Dylan: Feels nice getting ‘Sugar Sugar’ after missing out on Sugar in the Condiment Draft. Also, the Archies were enormous when this one dropped.

47. “WHAT’S UP” (4 NON BLONDES). 9.4 OPR.
Bart: This song is literally the bane of my existence. I know most disagree with me, but it’s my favorite song to hate.
Dylan: I think it has a ‘Closing Time’ effect: once it’s done, you’ve experienced everything you need to.

48. “I’M TOO SEXY” (RIGHT SAID FRED). 20.4 OPR.
Dylan: We did wrong by Right Said Fred, but I just don’t go to bat for this song. Can you sing it? Can you dance to it? I get that you can laugh at it. Perhaps that’s enough.
Bart: It isn’t “good”, but it’s nice to get it at this time. Honestly, I just walk around to it.

49. “SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW” (GOTYE). 18.0 OPR.
Dylan: A nice draft-and-stash prospect until he fades further into obscurity.
Bart: Gotye is a guy that you trade in a package for a better player. Nobody really wants him, but he has value. You can’t cry to this song, you kind of just mope to it.

50. “96 TEARS” (? & THE MYSTERIANS). 18.9 OPR.
Dylan: Possibly the best band name in the draft.

51. “GANGAM STYLE” (PSY). 19.0 OPR.
Dylan: Locking up the ten-and-under vote, here and now.
Bart: This song will only get more and more aggravating.
Dylan: There’s power in that, and I’m happy to harbor it. ‘Gangnam Style’ + ‘Macarena‘ + ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’ is a Death Lineup, possibly literally.

52. “YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND (LIKE A RECORD)” (DEAD OR ALIVE). 17.0 OPR.
53. “VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR” (BUGGLES). 16.2 OPR.
Dylan: I’m ready to concede the 80s to you, which holds quite a few electoral votes.
Bart: Can’t believe I could win the electoral college despite my highly questionable behavior in the songs I chose. Oh wait.

54. “FUNKYTOWN” (LIPPS INC.) . 16.7 OPR.
55. “ALL MY LIFE” (K-CI & JOJO). 11.9 OPR.
56. “KISS ME” (SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER). 12.9 OPR.
57. “LOVEFOOL” (THE CARDIGANS). 10.9 OPR.
Dylan: It would be interesting to so see which of us could put together a better ‘love mix’.
Bart: I think you would, but you couldn’t pay me to listen to ‘All My Life’.
Dylan: You prefer the imagery of ‘barley’ when you turn your lights down?
Bart: She makes a mundane environment light up in cinematic majesty.
Dylan: Wow.
Bart: Seriously, looking at the lyrics to ‘Kiss Me’, I don’t know how to quit them!

58. “ANGEL OF THE MORNING” (MERRILEE RUSH AND THE TURNABOUTS). 10.2 OPR.
Dylan: This song is just glorious. A callous goodbye that’s still swelling with emotion.
Bart: I concede the point, but I don’t feel compelled to listen to it.

59. “LOLLIPOP” (RONALD & RUBY). 8.0 OPR.
Dylan: Closing out my fifteenth round with the longest-tenured One-Hitter on this list.
Bart: Lollipop makes my pigtails curl. Great song.

60. “I MELT WITH YOU” (MODERN ENGLISH). 11.3 OPR.
Bart: A Top-40 song in two different years.
Dylan: Let me guess: you consider this the ‘Manu Ginobili’ of the draft?

ROUNDS 16-21 (QUICK HITTERS)

61. “TWO PRINCES” (SPIN DOCTORS). 10.5 OPR.
62. “WAR” (EDWIN STARR). 12.5 OPR.
63. “SAN FRANCISCO (…FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR)” (SCOTT MCKENZIE). 11.0 OPR.
64. “A WHITER SHADE OF PALE” (PROCOL HARUM). 8.0 OPR.
65. “RELAX” (FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD). 19.9 OPR.
66. “KUNG FU FIGHTING” (CARL DOUGLAS). 15.9 OPR.
67. “MICKEY” (TONI BASIL). 21.9 OPR.
68. “ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL” (JET). 16.0 OPR.
69. “KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF” (GEORGIA SATELLITES). 13.2 OPR.
70. “ME AND MRS. JONES” (BILLY PAUL). 11.2 OPR.
71. “CENTERFOLD” (THE J. GEILS BAND). 14.5 OPR.
72. “OUR HOUSE” (MADNESS, MADNESS). 11.7 OPR.
73. “IT TAKES TWO” (ROB BASE & DJ E-Z ROCK). 9.7 OPR.
74. “PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC” (WILD CHERRY). 12.0 OPR.
75. “SAVE TONIGHT” (EAGLE EYE CHERRY). 8.0 OPR.
76. “HOT, HOT, HOT” (BUSTER POINDEXTER). 9.5 OPR.
77. “I WANT CANDY” (BOW WOW WOW). 8.3 OPR.
78. “BETTE DAVIS EYES” (KIM CARNES). 14.3 OPR.
79. “AMIE” (PURE PRAIRIE LEAGUE). 8.0 OPR.
80. “MMM MMM MMM MMM” (CRASH TEST DUMMIES). 14.5 OPR.
81. “ELECTRIC AVENUE” (EDDY GRANT). 7.5 OPR.
82. “AFTERNOON DELIGHT” (STARLAND VOCAL BAND). 18.5 OPR.
83. “NA NA HEY HEY KISS HIM GOODBYE” (STEAM). 11.3 OPR.

MR. IRRELEVANT:
84. “SAFETY DANCE” (MEN WITHOUT HATS). 7.0 OPR.

NOTABLE UNDRAFTEDS:
XX. “WHAT IS LOVE” (HADDAWAY). 13.2 OPR.
XX. “RICO SUAVE” (GERARDO). 11.6 OPR.
XX. “ACHY BREAKY HEART” (BILLY RAY CYRUS). 9.6 OPR.

Draft Duration: 4 hours, 5 minutes.
Or about 16 consecutive listenings of “Rapper’s Delight”.

BY THE METRICS.
AVERAGE MOCK RATING: #TeamHumanity (6.7) < #TeamChaos (6.8)
AVERAGE ALL-STAR RATING: #TeamHumanity (4.2) > #TeamChaos (2.0)
AVERAGE POTENTIAL RATING: #TeamHumanity (2.0) > #TeamChaos (1.6)
AVERAGE INTANGIBLES RATING: #TeamHumanity (8.5) > #TeamChaos (7.8)
AVERAGE PROSPECT RATING: #TeamHumanity (21.4) > #TeamChaos (18.2)

CONCLUSION.
The final, ever-evolving rosters for Team Humanity and Team Chaos can be found here.
Who leaves victorious? That choice is yours.

Please cast your vote below. You might as well: you’ve already made it to the bottom of this very long list.

Thanks for descending the charts with us. Make sure to check out what’s Next on Draft.

Holidays (Draft 2)

In anticipation of this weekend’s festivities, we are drafting 44 major and not-so-major holidays, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this? We’ll get back to you.

DRAFT METRICS.
Prior to each draft, four categories are chosen for statistical evaluation of each prospect:

1. NOTORIETY. How highly each holiday is ranked in an open forum.
Metric: (100 – The Top Tens Holiday Ranking / 10)
2. CONSENSUS. Rewarding holidays that appeared frequently in Top-5 rankings.
Metric: ((538 Holiday % / Top 538 %) *10)
3. DOMINANCE. Power ranking, by month, each holiday based on above metrics.
Metric: (Inv. Rank (Notoriety + Consensus) / # Eligible Holidays In Same Month)*10)
4. INTANGIBLES. As this process is still inherently subjective, we allow each GM to score each prospect, from 1 to 5, by whatever unfounded opinions they have formed.
Metric: (GM1 Score + GM2 Score)

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF CHAOS:
W.M. Akers, Viceroy of the Past.
Follow Strange Times, his history newsletter.

THE DRAFT.
The Holiday Draft will be performed in a classic serpentine style, with a 1–2–2–1 structure for every round.

At the time of drafting, Mr. Akers actively celebrated 16 holidays on the list of eligible prospects, compared to Mr. Lamb’s 15. From this, he received the draft’s first pick.

ROUNDS 1-2

1. THANKSGIVING. 39.1 OPR.
Will: At its best, Thanksgiving is a perfect holiday: all about eating, hanging out with people you love, and also eating. I love cooking, and I’m a bit of a show-off, and there’s no better showcase than Thanksgiving. It’s really great to casually say, “Oh yeah, I made both of these plates of fancy dinner rolls”, like it’s a thing you do all the time.
Dylan: This, to me, is the greatest holiday in the American canon, controversial origins aside. It has the highest OPR of any Everything Draft prospect thus far, including our previous Best Picture Oscar Winner draft. Advocating for this Meal of Many Starches is a statement selection coming out of the gate.
Will: Top Thanksgiving dish?
Dylan: I am personally a champion of stuffing, with candied yams as my sleeper pick.
Will: Stuffing is king. I’m also partial to gravy.
Dylan: Just straight-up gravy? I had no idea who I was up against.

2. INDEPENDENCE DAY. 35.2 OPR.
Dylan: Fireworks. Grilling. A family softball game. Pontoon partying. Independence Day arrives as Summer is at the peak of its powers. Plus, American holidays as we know them would be vastly different if this one hadn’t occurred. Regardless of one’s partisanship over Thanksgiving v. Christmas, we can all stand together behind this one. ‘MERRRICA!
Will: No need to sell it to me– I adore the Fourth of July. I think that fireworks are one of the happiest things in the world: a big free show based around the very sound premise that people like explosions and bright lights. Also, there’s usually a Twilight Zone marathon on. Great pick!

3. CHRISTMAS. 39.0 OPR.
Will: I was hoping you’d be mad enough to let it drop, but I didn’t really expect you to. Glad to see the War on Christmas hasn’t managed to completely destroy its draft value.
Dylan: As an open Thanksgiving fanatic, Christmas feels rather nice at 3. Michael Jordan was the third pick in the 1984 NBA Draft, and Christmas is arguably the Michael Jordan of the Holiday Draft. The combination of Jesus + Santa is just too powerful to deny beyond this point.

4. HALLOWEEN. 32.9 OPR.
Will: I’m taking two greedy handfuls of this holiday, even though the sign on the door asks me to only take one. I live in a neighborhood that’s full of children, and there’s nothing better than watching a few thousand kids maraud around in silly costumes. I wish it happened four times a year.
Dylan: This is the clear-cut pick at 4. The pageantry, the general spookiness. Plus, it dominates the month of October. Any top costume nominees from recent memory?
Will: There was a five-year-old boy in my neighborhood who dressed up as Carl Sagan, complete with a mop wig and a laserdisc of Cosmos.
Dylan: It’s probably a fair time to mention to our readers that you live in Park Slope.
Will: Yes. Yes I do.

5. MEMORIAL DAY. 30.5 OPR.
Will: Slightly off-beat pick, but it feeds nicely into my strategy of seeking out the most pleasant holidays, wherever possible. Memorial Day is the official kickoff of summer, and it’s a perfect holiday in that it doesn’t demand anything of you besides hanging out with people, drinking a little and maybe grilling if you feel like it. Plus, I’m all for remembering the fallen; if I can do that by shotgunning a Miller High Life at a rooftop barbecue, it’s a win-win.
Dylan: I admire the culture that you’re building over there at #TeamChaos. Memorial Day is basically Independence Day with a lesser emphasis on fireworks.

6. ST. PATRICK’S DAY. 25.7 OPR.
Dylan: I’m not about that green beer nonsense, but a Guinness in the afternoon as a fiddle plays is a time I look forward to all year. St. Patrick is basically the Indiana Jones / Kim & Kanye of all the saints: he HATES snakes. Also, corned beef rules.
Will: Oh, lord. I would have let this drop all the way to the bottom of the draft. And I’m here to tell you, you can have a Guinness in the afternoon any time you want.
Dylan: You just blew my mind.

7. EASTER. 29.7 OPR.
Dylan: The bonnets? The pastels? The Judy Garland soundtrack bumping over brunch!?
Will: I can taste the Cadbury now. It’s not one that I would have jumped on, but this gives you a 1-2 punch of top tier Christian holidays, and that’s nothing to sneeze at.

8. LABOR DAY. 28.1 OPR.
Will: I’m doubling down on my summer bookends, and grabbing the slightly melancholy, vaguely fancy, and extremely drunk Labor Day. I’ve now completely encircled summer, which means that if we were playing Go, I would get to steal Independence Day from you.
Dylan: These mind-game-slash-board-game tactics will serve you well later, I’m sure. Despite the impending autumnal doom latent in Labor Day, this is a spectacular complement to what you have going.

ROUNDS 3-5

9. SHROVE (FAT) TUESDAY. 11.3 OPR.
Will: This party’s about to get a little more intense! I realize I’m reaching all the way down the draft board here, but it’s a unique holiday, and I’d’ve been sorry to let it go.
Dylan: There’s nothing more fun than doing all the horrible things while lying to yourself that you’re not going to do any of them for the next 40 days. #RespectTheReach.
Will: I like it because it means totally different things all over the world: daiquiris and king cake in New Orleans, dancing costumed people on stilts in Rio, and a two-day, town-wide football match in a tiny village in England. It’s a party before the darkness descends, and that is so thoroughly human that I think #TeamHumanity should be embarrassed to see it snatched away.
Dylan: Your team is looking pretty fun at the moment, but a fun parent does not always the best parent make, which is why I am countering with…

10. FATHER’S DAY. 27.0 OPR.
11. MOTHER’S DAY. 25.8 OPR.
Dylan: Because hey, moms and dads, am I right?
Will: I simply can’t argue with that. As both a father, and the husband of a mother, I can’t believe I let both of those get away.

12. CHRISTMAS EVE. 27.4 OPR.
Will: Grabbing a marquee holiday that I think dropped a little too far.
Dylan: I should have closed the manger circuit while I had the chance.
Will: And now I’m going to get weird here, and grab…

13. NEW YEAR’S DAY. 27.8 OPR.
Will: Here’s a holiday that I think offers a lot more than New Year’s Eve. It’s the whole world sitting around hungover, and eating waffles and poached eggs. And I think that’s a good thing.
Dylan: We obviously do not endure the same hangovers.
Will: Let it be known that I regretted this choice as soon as I made it.

14. NEW YEAR’S EVE. 32.1 OPR.
Dylan: To foil your last selection, I’m picking up the last remaining holiday that boasts a 30+ Overall Prospect Rating, and doubles as the greatest excuse to pop bottles and kiss just because you stayed up kinda late.
Will: Feel good with #TeamHumanity, feel TERRIBLE with #TeamChaos the next morning. I can’t believe I took New Year’s Day over this. What a bizarre decision!
Dylan: I understand reservations are difficult to come by, and the traffic is sometimes terrible, but the sozzled false hope associated with this evening gives it the decisive edge over the dehydrated reality of January 1st.
Will: I will say that New Year’s Eve is Top-2 most reliably disappointing holidays, which is why I slid around it.

15. CINCO DE MAYO. 13.0 OPR.
Dylan: Reaching deep into my pockets to get some sort of fun started over here on #TeamHumanity.
Will: You have now nearly cornered the market on Big Loud Party Holidays, with Mardi Gras and Halloween being the notable exceptions.
Dylan: The Battle of Puebla is very close to my heart.
Will: As is, I assume, a pitcher of watery margaritas.
Dylan: As it is the only water I drink on Cinco de Mayo, I’m very thankful for it.

16. CHINESE NEW YEAR. 21.3 OPR.
Dylan: Is this a holiday you celebrate?
Will: It is not! But the Chinese Zodiac is an unparalleled delight, and Chinese dragons are the best kind of dragon.
Dylan: No further questions.

17. HANNUKAH. 20.5 OPR.
Will: Backing up my last pick with another of the happiest, least-demanding holidays still on the board.
Dylan: A savvy pickup this late, and another dampening of my Christmas pick.
Will: Gotta contain Christmas.

18. WOMEN’S DAY. 14.0 OPR.
Will: Ah, I see. At #TeamChaos, we consider every day to be Women’s Day.
Dylan: I mean, I consider every day to be Valentine’s Day, but ignoring the day’s existence because of that philosophy doesn’t always bode well for me.

19. MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY. 13.4 OPR.
Will: Blast! My next pick!
Dylan: Cornering the market on holidays commemorating guys killed in their thirties for being disruptively promotional of an elevated common good.
Will: I still haven’t gotten over the tragic death of Independence Day’s namesake, Johnny Independence.

20. VETERAN’S DAY. 22.9 OPR.
Will: One of the most solemn holidays remaining, and one I’ve had my eye on all night.
Dylan: You OWN November.
Will: I really don’t think people spend enough time thinking about World War I, so I’ll quickly remind the world that because the armistice was fixed at the symbolic eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, lots of people died that morning because their commanding officers wanted to burn off ammunition while the war was still raging.
Dylan: Wow. That is, like, the most horrible example of stat padding. Russell Westbrook, you’re off the hook!

ROUNDS 6-8

21. MLB OPENING DAY. 10.3 OPR.
Will: The most important holiday of all! This was right near the bottom of the board, but I’d have been sick if you took it, and I’ve been sick enough this year.
Dylan: This pick will forever be tied up in arbitration, so I’m not worried about it.

22. VALENTINE’S DAY. 25.3 OPR.
23. EARTH DAY. 21.0 OPR.
Dylan: I’ll stoop for ‘Love’ and ‘The Planet’ in the sixth round.
Will: “Blech” to the first and “very nice” to the second.
Dylan: I feel lucky to have had some nice Valentine’s Days. I’m leaning in and buying low.

24. BOXING DAY. 15.3 OPR.
25. FESTIVUS. 14.8 OPR.
Will: In the interest of the continued boxing in of Christmas, I’m grabbing the two lowest-stakes December holidays.
Dylan: Christmas will not be contained!
Will: I’ve always found it kind of stupid the way people act like Festivus is a real thing, but I love Seinfeld, and that’s good enough for the 25th pick.

26. GROUNDHOG DAY. 17.0 OPR.
Will: It’s getting weird here!
Dylan: If we’re now drafting holidays based on their affiliated comedies, I’m selecting my half-birthday, here and now.
Will: The movie aside, I hate Groundhog Day. It’s a holiday with rules that make no sense, which makes it antithetical to my strategy.
Dylan: Having grown up Catholic, I’ve always gotten a kick out of rules that make no sense.
Will: That is a sterling piece of self-examination.

27. SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. 10.3 OPR.
Dylan: #TeamHumanity prefers holidays that celebrate the conclusion of something, rather than a daunting new beginning. Plus, it’s a day that celebrates gratuitous eating and football — which helps aid my missing out on Thanksgiving. This doubles as Puppy Bowl Sunday, yeah?

28. ROSH HASHANAH. 16.0 OPR.
29. YOM KIPPUR. 10.3 OPR.
Will: I’ve always thought Yom Kippur was a beautiful holiday, and it’s a form of atonement that is 40x more effective than Lent.
Dylan: While that stat is completely accurate, I don’t actively seek holidays centered around dedicated fasting.
Will: Rosh Hashanah, on the other hand, now gives me New Year’s Day, the Jewish New Year, and the Chinese New Year.
Dylan: This is troubling. Though it does leave my favorite Jewish holiday available…

30. PURIM. 12.4 OPR.
Dylan: Going all in on Purim. Whoever said this was a ‘lesser’ Jewish holiday is… probably right, but it has to be the most fun. This is a happy-ass holiday, and in the face of some super-high life-and-death stakes for the Jewish people! It also helps soothe the absence of Halloween by getting my costume count up. And, to make up for losing out on Hanukkah, I’m taking my own Festival of Lights celebration…

31. DIWALI. 18.5 OPR.
Will: Ack! I was about to grab that. Very nice. Okay, I’ve gotta take a different tack here: You’ve got Earth Day, which means I have to take…

32. ARBOR DAY. 17.1 OPR
Will: What could be more #TeamChaos than chilling out and planting a tree?

ROUNDS 9-11

33. MAY DAY. 13.0 OPR.
Will: Kicking off Round 9 with everyone’s favorite socialist holiday.
Dylan: May Day is a holiday that is literally a cry for help.

34. GOOD FRIDAY. 15.9 OPR.
Will: Based on everything I’ve learned from The Long Good Friday, this is a dangerous holiday indeed.

35. DERBY DAY. 9.0 OPR.
Dylan: Doubling down on bonnet-centric holidays here. Those 2 minutes of racing are more exciting than most of the remaining prospects on the board.

36. CANADA DAY. 17.2 OPR.
37. KWANZAA. 13.3 OPR.
Will: Canada Day makes up for the loss of July 4th…
Dylan: Um?
Will: …and Kwanzaa is another lovely holiday.

38. PATRIOT’S DAY. 10.0 OPR.
39. LEAP DAY. 11.6 OPR.
Dylan: Patriot’s Day is a beautiful day in Boston; as a current resident of the city I am honored to pick it up. With regards to Leap Day: any holiday that makes you wait four years to celebrate it stands as another shining example of a holiday with awesome rules that make no sense.

40. ASH WEDNESDAY. 9.3 OPR.
Will: My wife has put in a strong request for this.
Dylan: Always a nice reminder that YOU ARE DUST, AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN. Really puts me in the mood to eat fish sandwiches for a month and a half.

41. PASSOVER. 13.0 OPR.
Will: I appreciate Passover’s branding, since it includes telling a story about itself as part of the official calendar.
Dylan: In first grade, a classmate of mine made an off-putting remark involving my last name being Lamb and spreading my blood on a door to save the class and, coincidentally, Passover has never really been my thing.

42. APRIL FOOL’S DAY. 8.5 OPR.
43. OPPOSITE DAY. 13.0 OPR.
Dylan: Hoping most people peruse this draft on one of these two holidays, then get confused on how to vote while still staying true to the holiday, and vote for #TeamHumanity out of bewilderment.

MR. IRRELEVANT:
44. ALL SAINT’S DAY. 11.1 OPR.
Will: Halloween’s sourpuss big brother!
Dylan: You ran the table on ‘holidays involving hangovers from better holidays’.
Will: By and large, I’m very happy with this team. Arbor Day! Yeah!

UNDRAFTEDS:
XX. PRESIDENTS’ DAY. 13.9 OPR.
XX. COLUMBUS DAY. 6.5 OPR.

Draft Duration: 1 hour, 32 minutes.
About as long as you should stay at any particular establishment for an effective holiday pub crawl.

BY THE METRICS.
AVERAGE TOP TENS RANKING: #TeamHumanity (4.3) < #TeamChaos (4.4)
AVERAGE 538 TOP FIVE SCORE: #TeamHumanity (1.3) > #TeamChaos (1.1)
AVERAGE MONTHLY POWER RANKING: #TeamHumanity (6.8) > #TeamChaos (5.9)
AVERAGE INTANGIBLES RATING: #TeamHumanity (7.0) < #TeamChaos (7.4)
AVERAGE PROSPECT RATING: #TeamHumanity (19.4) > #TeamChaos (19.2)

CONCLUSION.
The final, ever-evolving rosters for Team Humanity and Team Chaos can be found here.
Who leaves victorious? That choice is yours.

Please cast your vote below. You might as well: you’ve already made it to the bottom of this very long list.

Enjoy the holiday weekend, and instead of drinking a green beer, maybe check out what’s Next on Draft.

Best Picture Winners (Draft 1)

In tribute to this weekend’s Oscar ceremony, we are drafting all of the previous Best Picture Winners, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this, you ask? In short: we like drafting. We really, really like drafting.

DRAFT METRICS.
Prior to each draft, four categories are chosen for statistical evaluation of each prospect:

1. RECEPTION.How well each film was critically received.
Metric: (Rotten Tomatoes Percentage / 10)
2. HARDWARE. Total Oscars Awarded, in addition to Best Picture.
Metric: (1 Oscar = 1)
3. LEGACY. Oscar winners that went on to become the films we most treasure.
Metric: (100 – AFI Top 100 Rank / 10)
4. INTANGIBLES. As this process is still inherently subjective, we allow each GM to score each prospect, from 1 to 5, by whatever unfounded opinions they have formed.
Metric: (GM1 Score + GM2 Score)

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF CHAOS:
Blake Lowell, Resident Nemesis.
Follow him on Instagram.

THE DRAFT.
The Best Picture Oscar Winner Draft will be performed in a classic serpentine style, with a 1-2–2–1 structure for every round. At the time of Drafting, Dylan had seen 64 Best Picture winners, narrowly topping Blake’s 63. From this, he received the draft’s first pick.

ROUNDS 1-3

1. THE GODFATHER. 32.6 OPR.
Dylan: Any movie I prefer over The Godfather is admittedly irrational. It’s the GOAT.
Blake: It’s hard to argue with this pick. Love a good Sterling Hayden flick.
Dylan: Readers, the tactic Blake uses above is known as ‘Ving Rhames-ing‘ a movie, name-dropping a picture’s seventh-billed actor in attempts to lessen its significance while also floating some trivial knowledge. This started when Blake referred to Pulp Fiction as ‘That Ving Rhames movie’. You’ll grow immune to it just as I have.

2. ALL ABOUT EVE. 33.2 OPR.
Blake: I think it’s the single greatest film that ever won Best Picture. Certainly the greatest screenplay. The Godfather is amazing, but All About Eve is everyone at the absolute peak of their powers.
Dylan: This is an excellent movie. Its metrics are off the charts. You might have been able to trade down for it, but the bottom line is that anyone would want this on their roster.

3. THE APARTMENT. 26.3 OPR.
Blake: I was concerned it wouldn’t make it back to me and I needed to have it.
Dylan: It scored a perfect Intangible rating from us both. Third though?
Blake: I would gladly give my third pick and my life for Shirley MacLaine.

4. CASABLANCA. 32.4 OPR.
Dylan: My counter-argument in the ‘greatest screenplay’ debate.
Blake: Yeah, that’s a phenomenal pick. Peak Peter Lorre.
Dylan: Rhames-ing my top two picks? Salty!

5. THE GODFATHER, PART II. 31.5 OPR.
Dylan: Double the Oscars of the original. A sequel and a prequel. Bringing it aboard to silence the contrarians who prefer it. #TrustTheSaga
Blake: Didn’t realize that I was drafting against everyone’s dad.
Dylan: Literally everyone’s dad will agree with those first three picks.
Blake: Your list reads like a Best Movies thread on a golf forum.

6. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST. 31.2 OPR.
Dylan: Nicholson v. Fletcher is a heavyweight title fight.
Blake: Great lead performances. Impossibly deep bench.

7. MOONLIGHT. 22.8 OPR.
Blake: There is nothing else like it in the pool of remaining movies. I’m happy to potentially overpay a little to get this on my roster.
Dylan: It definitely gets points for most dramatic Best Picture win.

8.TITANIC. 27.5 OPR.
Dylan: Titanic is one of only two Best Picture winners on the 100 highest grossing movies of all time, and it’s Number 2. Oh, plus eleven Oscars.
Blake:  Defend this pick. Is it just advanced metrics looking to rack up big points?
Dylan:  Jason Witta and I rented this double-VHS in fifth grade and watched it in the guest house of his cabin and we both cried and promised not to tell anyone (sorry Jason, but thanks for the assist). How can a movie evoke that type of emotion and be the sexual awakening of 70% of women and 40% of men my age?
Blake:  Solid point there.

9. THE STING. 26.3 OPR.
Blake: First Billy Zane, now Newman and Redford? You’re taking all my guys!
Dylan: Admittedly this is a draft-and-stash pick for future trade negotiations. In the meantime, I’ll give another listen to that Joplin soundtrack.
Blake: Great film, I love it with all my heart. But it wasn’t on my radar for another two rounds.

10. REBECCA. 22.0 OPR.
11. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. 23.3 OPR.
Blake: Happy to score the only Hitchcock and the only Coen in one fell swoop. Auteurs, #TeamChaosis here for you!

12. THE DEPARTED. 23.1 OPR.
Dylan: Doubling up on Leo while scratching my Nicholson itch.
Blake: Of course I brag about my directors and you take the only Scorsese.

ROUNDS 4-8

13.THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. 25.1 OPR.
Dylan:Nabbing a fellow winner of all “Big 5” Oscars to guard Cuckoo’s Nest.
Blake: Film bros love Demme. I think it’s good-not-great. And Tony Hopkins should have been slotted in supporting.
Dylan: Whichever Oscar you want him to win is fine by me, but it’s one of the most memorable performances of all time and he does it playing Tyus Jones minutes.

14.ON THE WATERFRONT. 32.9 OPR.
Blake: Zero respect for snitches but total respect for Brando in Buffalo plaid.
Dylan: This is probably the only prospect in history who told a GM straight-up that he’s a bum and they still drafted him.

15. WEST SIDE STORY. 32.3 OPR.
Dylan: Krup! I let this fall too far. Definitely the top musical on the board.
Blake: Thrilled to have it drop into my lap. Worth it for Rita Moreno alone.

16. GONE WITH THE WIND. 33.7 OPR.
Dylan: This movie is a metrics MONSTER, with the highest Overall Prospect Rating on the entire board. At sixteen?!
Blake: Feel free to take it as a cultural artifact but it’s a long, bad movie.
Dylan: Frankly, my dude…

17. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. 32.1 OPR.
Blake: Of the overly long epics that made a sh*t ton of money, this one is a much better pick for you.
Dylan: O’Toole’s baby blues are contained by no metric. Shout out to my uncle Chris for fast-forwarding through the entire desert on my first viewing, telling me I ‘get the idea’.

18. THE FRENCH CONNECTION. 29.8 OPR.
19. 12 YEARS A SLAVE. 22.6 OPR.
Dylan: Steve McQueen > Steve McQueen. That statement can be as controversial as you want to make it.

20. SCHINDLER’S LIST. 31.1 OPR.
Blake: Schindler’s List is a golf forum pick for sure.
Dylan: Glad to take the only Spielberg on this list. His other movie that year? Jurassic Park. That’s gotta be the greatest multiple-film year for any director, ever.

21. MIDNIGHT COWBOY. 26.7 OPR.
Dylan: Pouring a little Waldo Salt on this wound.
Blake: This one stings. The pick, not the pun.

22. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT. 28.2 OPR.
23. ROCKY. 24.6 OPR.
Dylan: Did you pick this to remind yourself after this draft that winning isn’t everything?
Blake: HOW DARE YOU. It Happened One Night is arguably the greatest rom-com of all time, and Rocky is arguably the greatest sports movie of all time. I’m happy.

24. AMADEUS. 26.5 OPR.
Dylan: This is “arguably the greatest classical music rivalry movie” of all time, and a great allegory for our friendship.
Blake: Amadeus is a great film and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives arguing over who is the Mozart and who is the Salieri.

25. IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT. 25.1 OPR.
26. ANNIE HALL. 26.2 OPR.
Blake: Separating the artist from the art has become even more prickly with the Weinstein revelations and the growing momentum behind the #MeToo movement. That being said, filmmaking is a collaborative process and I couldn’t let Diane Keaton’s performance fall any further.
Dylan: … But like, does he really need the eggs?

27. UNFORGIVEN. 22.8 OPR.
Dylan: You’re destroying me in the Gene Hackman game right now. My dad’s going to be upset I didn’t get Unforgiven, but I hope he’s somewhat consoled by BOTH Godfathers.

28. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING. 23.4 OPR.
Blake: Don’t tell #TheNerds, but I’m out on all Hobbit-related content.
Dylan: Nerds, #TeamHumanity is here for you. LOTR:ROTK is the only other Best Picture winner to currently appear on the Top 100 all-time grossing movies, and it also took home 11 Oscars from the ceremony, tying it with Titanic and…

29. BEN-HUR. 27.6 OPR.
Dylan: … this guy. Locking up all three 11-time winners is like having a trio of Bill Russells on your squad.
Blake: I saw Ben-Hur at the Hollywood Theater when I was in middle school with one of my best friends and it was an ideal moviegoing experience. That being said, it’s like five hours long and I have a hard time imagining you ever sitting down to watch it again without it being some sort of punishment, or bet, or dare.

30.AN AMERICAN IN PARIS. 22.5 OPR.
Dylan: I get you couldn’t pick Singin’ In The Rain instead, but why didn’t the Academy?
Blake: Wizard of Oz and Singin’ In The Rain are still the two biggest snubs for me.
Dylan: What about Annie Hall over Star Wars?
Blake: Annie Hall is still better. Sorry, Nerds!
Dylan: Wow, #TheNerds are really taking heat from you today.
Blake: You can have ’em.

31.GLADIATOR. 20.6 OPR.
Dylan:I was thinking about drafting this movie. But not yet. Not yet.

32. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI. 29.8 OPR.
Blake: You are REALLY leaning into these dad vibes.
Dylan: This is pure value, which I understand sounds like something a dad would say.
Blake: I’m not here for your metrics. The public will vindicate my roster.
Dylan: Not so sure about that. You know who reads movie blogs? #Nerds do.
Blake: Great point. #Nerds, I’d just like to say… STAR WARS AND LOTR STILL SUCK, THE FAST & THE FURIOUS IS A BETTER FRANCHISE IN EVERY WAY.
Dylan: Well, you tried.

ROUNDS 9-14

33. PATTON. 23.5 OPR.
Dylan: Cornering the ‘refused-Oscar’ market with this pick. I’m also going to bring this dad thing up with my therapist.
Blake: Report back with what they say, I’m super curious!

34.LOST WEEKEND. 20.0 OPR.
35. THE HURT LOCKER. 21.7 OPR.
Blake: While I wish Bigelow had won for Point Break, the first 20 minutes of Hurt Locker totally own.
Dylan: The Hurt Locker is a 2 hour and 11 minute film.

36. MY FAIR LADY. 25.6 OPR.
37. TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. 20.8 OPR.
38. THE SOUND OF MUSIC. 25.6 OPR.
Dylan: For being such a cynic, you seem to really champion “woefully optimistic people spinning around in public places” as your musical subgenre.
Blake: “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?” That song still KNOCKS.

39. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES. 22.6 OPR.
40. CHICAGO. 20.6 OPR.
Blake: Chicago is good. Solid pick this late for John C. Reilly’s “Cellophane” alone.
Dylan: Ironically, this might be my dad’s favorite movie in this draft.

41. FORREST GUMP. 20.5 OPR.
Blake: Woof. Would have gone undrafted on my end.
Dylan: You make me cry that consistently, there’s a spot on this roster for you.

42. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT. 19.0 OPR.
43. HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY. 19.0 OPR.
Dylan: Isn’t this the boring movie about a Welsh farmer that beat Citizen Kane?
Blake:John Ford, baby! Welcome to the auteur club, grab a cigar.

44. SUNRISE. 22.6 OPR.
Dylan: Only recipient ever of the “Best Picture – Unique and Artistic Vision” Award. I’d like to challenge Wings to a 1-on-1 screening to determine who’s the real top dog of 1927.

45. THE DEER HUNTER. 24.1 OPR.
46. MARTY. 20.0 OPR.
Blake: Borgnine’s incredible. Script by Paddy Chayevsky. I was blown away by this.
Dylan: I consider Marty to be the Mendoza Line of this draft.

47. BIRDMAN, OR: (THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE). 18.1 OPR.
48. ORDINARY PEOPLE. 19.0 OPR.
Blake:Ordinary People <<< Ordinary People the John Legend song.
Dylan: Remember Timothy Hutton before TNT devoured him? He and MTM owned this movie. It was also Donald Sutherland’s best shot at Oscar, but some movie named Raging Bull came out that year as well I guess?

49. SPOTLIGHT. 17.7 OPR.
Blake: Spotlight is the quintessential plane movie. It deserves to be seen on a five-inch screen.
Dylan: My marketing team is slicing that solid burn to read “It deserves to be seen!” with your name next to it.

50. SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE. 23.2 OPR.
51.AMERICAN BEAUTY. 20.8 OPR.
Dylan: Going Spacey & Weinstein in back-to-back picks is rather brazen.
Blake: If you don’t think I’m getting into the Annette Bening and Geoffrey Rush business this late then you don’t know #TeamChaos at all.

52. RAIN MAN. 18.9 OPR.
53. GIGI. 22.7 OPR.
54. GRAND HOTEL. 15.6 OPR.
55. ALL THE KING’S MEN. 18.7 OPR.
56. YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU. 17.1 OPR.
Dylan: This is my consolation for not being able to pick It’s A Wonderful Life.
Blake:You are a whore for Capra.

ROUNDS 15-20

57. OLIVER! 19.1 OPR.
Blake: Wow.
Dylan: I had to get my Oliver Reed score up after you snatched Gladiator. Also, Ron Moody’s Fagin could torch anyone in these later rounds.

58. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY. 24.2 OPR.
59. THE ENGLISH PATIENT. 22.4 OPR.
Blake: My mom says The English Patient rules and she’s rarely steered me wrong.
Dylan: My mom would agree. But I just remember Ralph Fiennes in bed a lot?
Blake: Oooh!
Dylan: No, but like, ill.
Blake: Oh.

60. KRAMER VS. KRAMER. 19.8 OPR.
61. GOING MY WAY. 20.8 OPR.
Blake: You can have all the Streep you want, but losing the only Bing winner hurts.
Dylan: You’re anti-nerd, and anti-Streep? Exactly which market are you cornering?
Blake: Hm. You should probably delete that Streep comment. Streets ain’t safe for Streep-indifferent folks like me! Devil Wears Prada is her best film, tho.
Dylan: This sounds like a different draft entirely.

62. GENTLEMAN’S AGREEMENT. 16.8 OPR.
Blake: The journalism movie Spotlight wishes it was. What seems like a movie about a guy having an affair turns out to be one where Gregory Peck investigates anti-Semitism.
Dylan: Oh yeah, that’s the Gregory Peck we all remember: good ol’ Gregory Peck the journalist.

63. PLATOON. 18.2 OPR.
64. CHARIOTS OF FIRE. 18.3 OPR.
65. TOM JONES. 18.3 OPR.
66. THE LAST EMPEROR. 25.2 OPR.
Blake: Since I’m stockpiling great directors I’ll bring Bertolucci into the fold.
Dylan: Problematic auteurs at value prices IS #TeamChaos. Mel is still available btw.

67. OUT OF AFRICA. 17.7 OPR.
Blake: How could I pass up on my FAVORITE ACTRESS Meryl Streep this late?
Dylan: This is a nice redemption tour for you.
Blake: My mom would have disowned me if I didn’t pick this up.

68. MILLION DOLLAR BABY. 18.1 OPR.
69. HAMLET. 18.1 OPR.
70. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY. 16.4 OPR.
71.SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. 22.2 OPR.
Blake: Jai-Ho!
Dylan: Jai-Ho-verrated.

72. GANDHI. 22.7 OPR.
73. THE KING’S SPEECH. 18.5 OPR.
Dylan: Taking this opportunity to launch the new hashtag campaign #FIRTHSTY.
Blake: That hashtag is… a lot.
Dylan: Nerds, grab your #FIRTHSTY merch in The Everything Draft Store, today!

74. THE GREAT ZIEGFELD. 15.5 OPR.
75. CRASH. 15.5 OPR.
76. DANCES WITH WOLVES. 18.3 OPR.
77. AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS. 18.4 OPR.
Blake: This is your worst round yet, and you’re the guy who took Titanic over No Country and Rebecca.
Dylan: DAMN MY NEWLY-VOICED ADMIRATION FOR KEVIN COSTNER!

78. ARGO. 16.6 OPR.
79. WINGS. 17.5 OPR.
Dylan:I resent you taking Argo over Wings, even if it’s arbitrary.

80. A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS. 20.2 OPR.

ROUNDS 21-22

81.DRIVING MISS DAISY. 16.4 OPR.
Dylan: I’m now up 2 Morgan Freeman movies to 1. Shout out to The Piggly Wiggly.
Blake: Nope. Trash film. #JusticeForDoTheRightThing. I need a shorter hashtag.
Dylan: There has to be one DMD fan out there that’ll tip the scales though. Maybe?
Blake: I mean, everybody has one kinda racist aunt.

82. THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. 12.4 OPR.
83. MRS. MINIVER. 20.2 OPR.
Dylan: I just fell asleep during the title of Mrs. Miniver.

84.THE ARTIST. 18.6 OPR.
Blake: The Artist is trash, btw.
Dylan: Anyone who likes the show Fraiser as much as you do should at least give props to that dog.

85. THE LIFE OF EMILE ZOLA. 16.5 OPR.
86. CAVALCADE. 15.1 OPR.
87. CIMARRON. 14.3 OPR.
Dylan:Way to grow a conscience on the very last pick and avoid adding Braveheart to your problematic auteur menagerie.
Blake: That was an endurance test. The white wine helped on my end.

MR. IRRELEVANT:
88. A BEAUTIFUL MIND. 14.5 OPR.

UNDRAFTEDS:
XX. BRAVEHEART. 16.7 OPR.
XX. BROADWAY MELODY. 10.5 OPR.

Draft Duration:3 hours, 24 minutes.
Basically the length of your average Best Picture Winner.

BY THE METRICS.
AVERAGE AFI SCORE: #TeamHumanity (1.7) > #TeamChaos (1.4)
TOTAL OSCARS WON: #TeamHumanity (243) > #TeamChaos (205)
AVERAGE ROTTEN TOMATOES: #TeamHumanity (89%) =#TeamChaos (89%)
AVERAGE INTANGIBLES RATING: #TeamHumanity (6.4) < #TeamChaos (6.8)
AVERAGE PROSPECT RATING: #TeamHumanity (25.2) > #TeamChaos (21.7)

CONCLUSION.
The final, ever-evolving rosters for Team Humanity and Team Chaos can be found here.
Who leaves victorious? That choice is yours.

Please cast your vote below. You might as well: you’ve already made it to the bottom of this very long list.

Enjoy the Academy Awards, and check out what’s Next on Draft.

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In anticipation of this weekend’s festivities, we are drafting 44 major and not-so-major holidays, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this? We’ll get back to you.

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In tribute to this weekend’s Oscar ceremony, we are drafting all of the previous Best Picture Winners, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this, you ask? In short: we like drafting. We really, really like drafting.

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