One-Hit Wonders (Draft 4)

As an ode to the hits that didn’t keep on coming, we are drafting 84 of the top One-Hit Wonders, based on statistical factors that we believe assist in quantifying their subjective values. Why are we doing this, you ask? In short: one of us really wished they had “Jessie’s Girl”.



DRAFT METRICS.

Prior to each draft, four categories are chosen for statistical evaluation of each prospect:

1. MOCKS. Forming some sense of initial order from a very long list.
Metric:  ((Ranker Ranking + VH1 Ranking) / 20)
2. ALL-STAR VOTES. Recognizing a shortlist of top performers, in quantity and quality.
Metric: ((Spotify Top 15 Plays Ranking + Rolling Stone Top 10 Reader Rating) / 2)
3. POTENTIAL. Gives future legends their weighted due.
Metric: (Inverse Refinery 29 One Hit Wonder of 90s-2010s Inverse Ranking / 3)
4. INTANGIBLES. As this process is still inherently subjective, we allow each GM to score each prospect, from 1 to 5, by whatever unfounded opinions they have formed.
Metric: (GM1 Score + GM2 Score)

The combined score from these four categories equals a Draftee’s Overall Prospect Rating (OPR), which will allow GMs to compare draftees over several dissimilar categories throughout the course of time. 



YOUR GMs.

Each draft is conducted between two teams, Team Humanity and Team Chaos.

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF HUMANITY:
Dylan Lamb
, Founder of The Everything Draft.
Send him your thoughts.

DRAFTING ON BEHALF OF CHAOS:
Bart Keller, Karaoke Kamikaze.
Look at a terrifying photo from his old MySpace page.


THE DRAFT.
The One-Hit Wonder Draft will be performed in a classic serpentine style, with a 1221 structure for every round. At the time of Drafting, Bart had sung twenty-one of the listed prospects at karaoke, compared to Dylan’s one. From this, he received the draft’s first pick.


ROUNDS 1-3

1. “JESSIE’S GIRL” (RICK SPRINGFIELD). 10.0 OPR.
Bart:
I know it doesn’t have a high Overall Player Ranking, but this is the greatest One-Hit Wonder, period. People hearing it for the first time today would still like it. It’s a great karaoke song, and it doesn’t get old. Theres’ only a handful of One-Hit Wonders that can say that. It deserves the honor. 
Dylan:
It’s a catchy tune, to be sure. The fact that it was mocked in the mid-eighties didn’t make you think you could have picked this up a little later? 
Bart:
If I walked out of this draft without this song it would have been like leaving my house without an umbrella: I might not need it, but I’m damn glad to have it. This song is like the Manu Ginobili of the draft: Hall of Fame, valued way lower than it should have been.
Dylan:
Right, but Ginobili was picked 57th overall, which is undoubtedly part of his charm. 
Bart:
Maybe I should say Tom Brady. 
Dylan:
Brady went 99th overall, but I get your point. Is Rick Springfield even a true One-Hit Wonder? He had like five songs on Billboard’s Top 10. Such accolades excluded the likes of Hanson from this draft. 
Bart:
I will answer that question with a fun fact: this song was actually about a “Gary’s Girl”. 
Dylan:
I’d befriend a “Gary with a Y” long before I’d ever trust a “Jessie with an I-E”.

2. “NOTHING COMPARES 2 U” (SINEAD O’CONNOR). 28.7 OPR.
Dylan: Sinead crushes this. It’s flirtatious, sorrowful and unifying. And it is the only One- Hit Wonder that was also written by Prince, which to me is worth rewarding. 
Bart:
That’s just a great song.

3. THE MACARENA” (LOS DEL RIO). 25.3 OPR.
Dylan: It may be polarizing, but everyone over the age of seven has probably executed this dance at some point. Perhaps more impressive about the Macarena is the ultimate One-Hit Wonderness of it all: it rose to Number One on the Billboard charts, and Los Del Rio had no chance — or even intention — of ever returning to competition with a follow-up number. To top it off, it’s one of the few songs associated with its own dance that doesn’t tell you what to do in the song’s lyrics. Being told how to dance is a big pet peeve of mine. The Macarena was more than a dance, it was a movement.
Bart: Yeah, no. Can’t do it. That song is fun for a minute and a half. Who doesn’t go get a drink during the last minute of the Macarena? I agree with the sentiments, but I think if you played nothing but One-Hit Wonders in any social situation you’d fare better with playing most other songs.
Dylan: Just wait, you’ll be wishing you had ‘The Macarena‘ like it was Jessie’s Girl.

4. TAKE ON ME” (A-HA). 38.3 OPR.
Bart: Great karaoke song, danceable when you’re drunk, and you can play it for the kids you’re babysitting. It’s synth at its peak powers, other than maybe “The Final Countdown“. And that music video? It’s the 80’s in a firecracker.
Dylan:Take On Me” scored just above Salsa and just below Christmas in Overall Player Ranking. Synth isn’t everyone’s flavor, but this one is hard to argue with.
Bart: I mean, synth is lame, so to make it something ‘not lame’ is an achievement.

5. “COME ON EILEEN” (DEXY’S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS). 35.8 OPR.
Dylan:
You used “Jessie’s Girl” to rope-a-dope me out of the top two rated songs of the evening. Good on ya.
Bart: Everyone will sing along regardless of the situation. Car, bar, getting reading in the morning, reading alone in the evening… This song is everything, without the polarizing synth.
Dylan: It includes all of the amazing tropes of an annoying, overlong song: key changes, slowing down and then speeding back up, repeating forever and ever… But the overalls are a huge get.
Bart: Having this song on your team is like playing with a ball-hog: it does everything, even if you don’t need it to, and dealing with it is tiring… but like, what other choice do you have?

6. “SPIRIT IN THE SKY” (NORMAN GREENBAUM). 34.3 OPR.
Dylan: Norman Greenbaum called his shot about all the cool stuff that would happen to him once he died, and then just got to sing that song until he actually died, and now everyone knows at least one person made it to the afterlife because no one has ever been more confident that they were going there than Norman Greenbaum. If you’re going to only have one hit, why not use it for the immunity of your own immortality?
Bart:
It’s a ‘great-mood’ song. Like, when I want to feel like I’m too busy with my own thoughts to deal with anyone else’s, that song would play in slow-motion. It’s like being on a road trip for four minutes, no matter where you are.

7. “TORN” (NATALIE IMBRUGLIA). 25.4 OPR.
Dylan:
Going from someone who had a crazy amount of faith to someone who was ‘all out of’ it. This song is an open-wound catharsis.
Bart: Shout out to people we used to adore! I don’t think this song ages well. I think every teenager loves it, but I would not currently use it in a movie. 
Dylan: I must lie naked on the floor, cold and shamed, way more than you do. No judgement. 

8. “TAINTED LOVE” (SOFT CELL). 30.5 OPR.
Bart:
I didn’t intend to corner the 80s, but here we are.
Dylan: It’s a strong decade to jump ahead in, but this song’s a ‘soft sell’ for me. “Sometimes I feel I’ve got to run away” is way less captivating than “NOTHING’S RIGHT, I’M TORN”.
Bart: I can be a geek at a frat house and make five friends instantly by playing this song at the right time.
Dylan: You and your fratty friends have a good time clearing the dance floor.

9. “99 LUFTBALLONS” (NENA). 24.9 OPR.
Dylan:
I had a feeling you’d end up with this, but I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it.
Bart: It starts so cinematically and then… goes into funk? Yes please!

10. “TUBTHUMPING” (CHUMBAWAMBA). 28.7 OPR.
Bart:
Ah yes, a little bit of Night Pissing to round out the Top 10. I thought I’d almost cornered the “drunk dude” demographic until you put in that pick.
Dylan: The metrics were too high to pass up, and I needed a song of resilience heading into the meat of our selections after your statistically dominating first selections.

11. “BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY” (THE VERVE). 23.2 OPR.
Bart:
I’d consider this my first real loss of the night. This one hurts.
Dylan: My melancholy metrics are off the charts right now. This seems like a song from a band that should have been capable of more hits.
Bart: I one-hundred percent agree. Except, did you hear The Rolling Stones sued these guys and, if I heard right, got all of the song’s profits, minus touring?
Dylan: That goes well with my Natalie Imruglia pick then, as she was also sued out of her mind for her big hit.
Bart: Good, my number one pick “isn’t” a One-Hit Wonder, and your early set is made up of criminal plagiarists. 

12. “BABY GOT BACK” (SIR MIX-A-LOT).
 22.4 OPR.
Bart:
I still have to entertain the wedding receptions, as is the duty of my list so far. This song is does not have universal appeal: you hate it if you’re sitting by yourself, but when that song comes on, and there are three or more people around, and it’s not Book Club, we’re all doing a pre-twerk.
Dylan: I like that Sir Mix-A-Lot champions a ‘healthy’ butt. Is he the first knighted artist taken off the board this evening?
Bart: Yes; Nena was only named Minister of Defense.
Dylan: She has 99 Luftballons, but a knighthood ain’t one.


ROUNDS 4-8

13. “MY SHARONA” (THE KNACK). 21.1 OPR.
Bart:
A One-Hit Wonder’s lasting appeal is its ability to ignite ‘the party’.
Dylan: You could argue that this is a song about some unwanted sexual attention toward Sharona, since she never gives this guy the ‘time’ of day and he kind of keeps going down a creepy spiral anyways. “I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind” is Exhibit A in this argument.
Bart: I should have done more research. This song is nasty… But, you know, catchy little diddy?
Dylan: I guess he couldn’t get out another hit from prison?
Bart: Ha! “My parole-a!”

14. “ICE ICE BABY” (VANILLA ICE). 29.0 OPR.
Dylan: I have a very soft spot for when a One-Hit Wonder artist’s name and the name of their one hit overlap in a Venn diagram, or play off each other.
Bart: I’d like to point out that this song dropped about eight spots from where it was projected to go, and I couldn’t be more proud of us.
Dylan: I felt, in the wake of your pervy “My Sharona” pick, that Vanilla Ice reminding us to “stop, collaborate and listen” couldn’t have come at a better time.

15. “BITCH” (MEREDITH BROOKS). 21.4 OPR.

Dylan: You play this with “Torn” back-to-back, and you’ll be filled with enough angsty, empowering rage to get you through any day of the week.
Bart: Yet both songs are surprisingly vague for how much we feel like we relate to them?
Dylan: What’s vague about being ‘nothing in between’ sixteen contradictory titles that Meredith Brooks says she simultaneously is? Count me in.

16. “CRAZY” (GNARLS BARKLEY). 20.0 OPR.
Bart: This song is like a pigeon walking: if the head doesn’t bob, that bird is broken. 
Dylan:
 Wasn’t sure where you were going with this pigeon thing, but you stuck the landing. Great pick, too. 

17. “THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT” (THE TOKENS). 19.8 OPR.
Bart:
A sweet jam, oddly timeless, and it’s just as audacious now as it was 40 years ago. It’s an impressive karaoke song, too, if you can pull it off, even if it’s a bit repetitive. 
Dylan:
‘A bit repetitive’? It makes “Come On Eileen” look like it was written by Homer. The notoriety factor cannot be ignored, though: it’s probably the most repeated baseline vocalization south of “Stand by Me”. 
Bart:
This is a golden One-Hit Wonder, and didn’t deserve to drop any further.

19. WALKING ON SUNSHINE” (KATRINA AND THE WAVES). 22.6 OPR.
Dylan:
This song makes me go nuts
Bart:
Damn! Argh!! Jeally!!! 
Dylan:
I also appreciate the check-in of ‘don’t it feel good?’ that Katrina offers us. It’s something that The Knack could have tried out with ‘Sharona’ every once in a while.
Bart: That dirty, dirty Knack.

18. “DO YOU LOVE ME” (THE CONTOURS). 19.5 OPR.
Bart: 
You’re killing me softly. Great song for kids and elders alike. A wedding reception classic.
Dylan: Someone broke this guy’s heart, because he couldn’t dance? First of all, cold. But what does he do?
Bart: He learns to dance!
Dylan: He goes and learns several forms of dance, not out of revenge, but in a Gastby-esque act of adoration.
Bart: Yeah! He didn’t act like a bitch, but a lover! Not a child, but a mother…f*#king awesome guy!
Dylan: He used the Vanilla Ice Method: he stopped. He collaborated. He listened. And then he came back with a brand new invention. Can we give a moment of complete respect for the TOTAL FADE OUT, followed by a FULL VOLUME REPRISE?
Bart: NO ONE sees it coming!

20. “867-5309 / JENNY” (TOMMY TUTONE). 19.1 OPR.
Bart: Speaking of things you did see coming, me picking this song. No worries of inappropriate activity here: this guy is in love with a number he got from a bathroom.
Dylan: Where’s the area code, Jenny??

21. “TURNING JAPANESE” (THE VAPORS). 23.0 OPR.
Bart:
This song is about what Tommy Tutone did after calling Jenny’s number.
Dylan:
Masturbation can be such a harmless, solitary act. Why did The Vapors have to implicate an entire country in the process?
Bart: It is a bit like saying “I’m gonna take the Browns to the Superbowl”: just like, why bring them into it? 

22. “I TRY” (MACY GRAY). 19.0 OPR. 
Dylan:
This is my one and only karaoke song on this list. I can sing it in whatever state I’m in, and it makes me feel divine. Macy hit with this one at the exact right moment in my awkward adolescence. I treasure it with all my heart, and will happily take it a round or two too high.
Bart: This song ignites things. It’s retro, yet modern. It belts while speaking softly.

23. “I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE” (THE DARKNESS). 19.0 OPR.
Dylan: The Darkness might have been the greatest band on earth for four total minutes.
Bart: This is a karaoke dynamo. When asked “are you a joke, or are you a serious rock band?” The Darkness replied, “I don’t see why we can’t be both”. 

24. “IN A BIG COUNTRY” (BIG COUNTRY). 18.7 OPR.
Bart: This song fulfills your ‘Vanilla Ice Venn diagram’ requirements of having the name of the band in the name of the song, and I think the guitar does a really impressive bagpipe thing.
Dylan: The music video storyline is quite intense! But to be fair, Scotland is not that big of a country.

25. YOUNG FOLKS” (PETER BJORN & JOHN). 18.0 OPR.
Bart: Whistle at its peak.
Dylan: No comma in ‘Peter Bjorn & John’? I’ll pass.

26. “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” (BAHA MEN). 22.4 OPR.
Bart: Have it. The song isn’t even fun anymore. 
Dylan: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry. They’re all in Hawaiian shirts, surrounded by dogs.
Bart: We all fell for it at the time, but that song is barely catchy except you can bark at it.
Dylan: I feel like we’re speaking different languages here. 

27. “I TOUCH MYSELF” (DIVINYLS). 18.9 OPR.
Dylan:
Selecting a song about masturbation that doesn’t have to implicate another nationality in order to get their kicks.
Bart: Classy move taking one of them, I’ll have less to explain to my mom now. 

28. “WHIP IT” (DEVO). 18.9 OPR.
Bart:
Whip it! 
Dylan:
Skip it — 
Bart: Into shape! The song is confusing in its popularity, but it’s not too long and I like the synth more than most.
Dylan: You are OD’ing on synth right now and it’s honestly not the worst strategy.

29. “TAKE ME OUT” (FRANZ FERDINAND).
 18.0 OPR.
Bart:
Talk about a band I thought I’d be seeing more of! This song takes a deceptive intro and a disco beat and turns it into a stomping good time.
Dylan: Plus it’s like three songs in one. Great value.
Bart: Yeah, it does a little bit of everything. It’s the Shohei Ohtani of the draft.

30. “CAT’S IN THE CRADLE” (HARRY CHAPIN). 18.3 OPR.
31. “MY NECK, MY BACK (LICK IT)” (KHIA). 18.0 OPR.
Dylan:
It is one of the rare privileges of my entire life to draft these two One-Hit Wonders back-to-back. One is the bleakest of lifelong missed connections with one’s father. The other is the most explicit of instructions as to how to please Khia. I’m trembling at the might of them joining forces as they walk to the podium together. Am I crying right now?
Bart: This is, by far, the best one-two punch of the whole draft. Both lyrically jarring, both centered around themes that evolve throughout their respective songs… I’d say these two songs are soulmates. Together, they’re like a good book dipped in KY jelly. You might need to go to Hogwarts with all that magic.


ROUNDS 9-15

32. “NO RAIN” (BLIND MELON). 17.8 OPR.
33. “FLAGPOLE SITTA” (HARVEY DANGER). 17.4 OPR.
Dylan:
For the curious: Would you rather be a Flagpole Sitter or a Blind Melon?
Bart: A Blind Melon. You wouldn’t know your fate. The Flagpole Sitter knows all too well.

34. “MAMBO NO. 5” (LOU BEGA). 17.7 OPR.
35. “O-O-H CHILD” (FIVE STAIR STEPS). 17.7 OPR.
Dylan: What #TeamChaos has in synths, #TeamHumanity is stockpiling in brass and strings. While the bridge in ‘Mambo’ does include a portion of a song telling me what to do, I’ll allow it since Lou Bega is secretly from Germany and that’s hilarious to me.
Bart: #TeamHumanity is also corning ‘Friday Night Sweatpants and Whiskey’ parties, which is a scene I frequent as well. I find ‘O-O-H Child’ forgettable, and ‘Mambo’ might only be fun to people who were around when it came out.
Dylan: ‘O-O-H Child’ is on my roster to console ‘Torn’ and ‘Bittersweet Symphony’. It’s a chemistry thing.
Bart: Ah yes, a real ‘glue guy’.

36. “DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY” (BOBBY MCFERRIN). 16.7 OPR. 
37. “WHOOMP! THERE IT IS” (TAG TEAM). 13.5 OPR. 
Bart:
Getting a real steal and a real reach here. ‘Don’t Worry’ should be in a Top Ten of any One-Hit Wonder list. That song is true greatness. I think both of these picks have to do with the smile they each put on my face.
Dylan: Can’t get more ‘feel good’ than this round for you.

38. “IT’S RAINING MEN” (THE WEATHER GIRLS). 16.4 OPR.
39. “RAPPER’S DELIGHT” (THE SUGARHILL GANG). 13.3 OPR. 
Dylan: 
The Weather Girls went ALL IN on this rain metaphor, the ultimate ‘Vanilla Ice Venn Diagram’ success story. And at 15 minutes long, ‘Rapper’s Delight’ is like a 5-for-1 Costco value-pack of a song.
Bart: ‘Rapper’s Delight’ is a hot take. Other than the bass line, that song is not good. And it is way too long. Talk about ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ syndrome!
Dylan: You can’t teach size.

40. “I’M GONNA BE (500 MILES)” (THE PROCLAIMERS). 12.3 OPR. 
Dylan:
You’re dominating the Scottish market of One-Hit Wonders here.
Bart: This has to be the best song by a set of twins, ever.

41. “JUMP AROUND” (HOUSE OF PAIN). 12.0 OPR.
Bart: ‘Jump Around’ is so necessary. THIS is the Manu Ginobili of the draft. It’s a Hall of Famer, undeniable, drafted way too low and always part of a contender. Does ‘Jump Around’ count as a lyric that tells you what to do?
Dylan: I’ll say that’s why I didn’t pick it, but in reality, this is a huge loss. I’m devastated to have missed out on this one. The metrics did wrong to bury ‘Jump Around’, in spite of our perfect Intangibles ratings. Though, even at the 41st pick, it’s still ranked higher than ‘Jessie’s Girl’ in Overall Player Ranking. 

42. “ESCAPE (THE PIÑA COLADA SONG)” (RUPERT HOLMES). 12.4 OPR. 
43. “JUST A FRIEND” (BIZ MARKIE). 13.2 OPR.

Dylan: Drunken late-night piano bar singalong, party of two.
Bart: Wow, yeah, exactly. Those are two guilty pleasure songs. You’ve successfully pissed off ten percent of the population who don’t share your opinion on these two. ‘Just a Friend’ can literally piss people off.
Dylan: I considered taking ‘Piña Colada’ number one overall before the metrics came in. It makes me that happy. Most people think it’s a Jimmy Buffet song because it makes you feel that good. 
Bart: I hear you. The whole “cheating on our spouses with each other” thing… yowza. That song is a cupcake with almost too much frosting. But if you would have drafted it number one overall, I would have strongly disagreed with that. ‘Piña’ is the Rudy Gay of the draft. It’s a niche song disguised as a crowd-pleaser.
Dylan: Rudy Gay was drafted eighth overall. A stunner like this at forty-three doesn’t come around like this very often.
Bart: I say this as a fan of the song! I think forty-three is a good spot for it, but the metrics overrate it.
Dylan: I’m fuming over here. ‘The Piña Colada Song’ is — I’ll say it — better than ‘Margaritaville’.
Bart: Yeah, that’s fine. But ‘Margaritaville’ is not that good of a song.

44. “6 UNDERGROUND” (SNEAKER PIMPS). 8.0 OPR.
Bart: This song is the hit of its genre, whatever that genre is.
Dylan: It’s etherial, it’s catchy. It feels like a secret from a cool kid.

45. “CLOSING TIME” (SEMISONIC). 7.0 OPR. 
Bart: Everyone will leave the bar after this song, but they won’t leave before it’s over.

46. “SUGAR SUGAR” (THE ARCHIES). 21.0 OPR.
Dylan: Feels nice getting ‘Sugar Sugar’ after missing out on Sugar in the Condiment Draft. Also, the Archies were enormous when this one dropped.

47. “WHAT’S UP” (4 NON BLONDES). 9.4 OPR. 
Bart: This song is literally the bane of my existence. I know most disagree with me, but it’s my favorite song to hate.
Dylan: I think it has a ‘Closing Time’ effect: once it’s done, you’ve experienced everything you need to.

48. “I’M TOO SEXY” (RIGHT SAID FRED). 20.4 OPR.
Dylan: We did wrong by Right Said Fred, but I just don’t go to bat for this song. Can you sing it? Can you dance to it? I get that you can laugh at it. Perhaps that’s enough.
Bart: It isn’t “good”, but it’s nice to get it at this time. Honestly, I just walk around to it.

49. “SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW” (GOTYE). 18.0 OPR. 
Dylan:
A nice draft-and-stash prospect until he fades further into obscurity.
Bart: Gotye is a guy that you trade in a package for a better player. Nobody really wants him, but he has value. You can’t cry to this song, you kind of just mope to it.

50. “96 TEARS” (? & THE MYSTERIANS).
 18.9 OPR. 
Dylan:
Possibly the best band name in the draft.

51. “GANGAM STYLE” (PSY)19.0 OPR.
Dylan: Locking up the ten-and-under vote, here and now.
Bart: This song will only get more and more aggravating. 
Dylan:
There’s power in that, and I’m happy to harbor it. ‘Gangnam Style’ + ‘Macarena‘ + ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’ is a Death Lineup, possibly literally.

52. “YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND (LIKE A RECORD)” (DEAD OR ALIVE). 17.0 OPR.
53. “VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR” (BUGGLES). 16.2 OPR. 
Dylan:
I’m ready to concede the 80s to you, which holds quite a few electoral votes.
Bart: Can’t believe I could win the electoral college despite my highly questionable behavior in the songs I chose. Oh wait.

54. “FUNKYTOWN” (LIPPS INC.) . 16.7 OPR. 
55. “ALL MY LIFE” (K-CI & JOJO). 11.9 OPR. 
56. “KISS ME” (SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER). 12.9 OPR. 
57. “LOVEFOOL” (THE CARDIGANS). 10.9 OPR.
Dylan: It would be interesting to so see which of us could put together a better ‘love mix’. 
Bart:
I think you would, but you couldn’t pay me to listen to ‘All My Life’.
Dylan: You prefer the imagery of ‘barley’ when you turn your lights down?
Bart: She makes a mundane environment light up in cinematic majesty.
Dylan: Wow.
Bart: Seriously, looking at the lyrics to ‘Kiss Me’, I don’t know how to quit them!

58. “ANGEL OF THE MORNING” (MERRILEE RUSH AND THE TURNABOUTS). 10.2 OPR.
Dylan:
This song is just glorious. A callous goodbye that’s still swelling with emotion.
Bart: I concede the point, but I don’t feel compelled to listen to it.

59. “LOLLIPOP” (RONALD & RUBY). 8.0 OPR.
Dylan: Closing out my fifteenth round with the longest-tenured One-Hitter on this list.
Bart: Lollipop makes my pigtails curl. Great song.

60. “I MELT WITH YOU” (MODERN ENGLISH). 11.3 OPR. 
Bart:
A Top-40 song in two different years.
Dylan: Let me guess: you consider this the ‘Manu Ginobili’ of the draft?


ROUNDS 16-21 (QUICK HITTERS)

61. “TWO PRINCES” (SPIN DOCTORS). 10.5 OPR.
62. “WAR” (EDWIN STARR). 12.5 OPR.

63. “SAN FRANCISCO (…FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR)” (SCOTT MCKENZIE). 11.0 OPR. 
64. “A WHITER SHADE OF PALE” (PROCOL HARUM). 8.0 OPR.
65. “RELAX” (FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD). 19.9 OPR.
66. “KUNG FU FIGHTING” (CARL DOUGLAS). 15.9 OPR.
67. “MICKEY” (TONI BASIL). 21.9 OPR.
68. “ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL” (JET). 16.0 OPR.
69. “KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF” (GEORGIA SATELLITES). 13.2 OPR.
70. “ME AND MRS. JONES” (BILLY PAUL). 11.2 OPR. 
71.  “CENTERFOLD” (THE J. GEILS BAND)14.5 OPR.
72. “OUR HOUSE” (MADNESS, MADNESS). 11.7 OPR.
73. “IT TAKES TWO” (ROB BASE & DJ E-Z ROCK). 9.7 OPR.
74. “PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC” (WILD CHERRY). 12.0 OPR.
75. “SAVE TONIGHT” (EAGLE EYE CHERRY). 8.0 OPR.
76. “HOT, HOT, HOT” (BUSTER POINDEXTER). 9.5 OPR.
77. “I WANT CANDY” (BOW WOW WOW). 8.3 OPR.
78. “BETTE DAVIS EYES” (KIM CARNES). 14.3 OPR.
79. “AMIE” (PURE PRAIRIE LEAGUE). 8.0 OPR.
80. “MMM MMM MMM MMM” (CRASH TEST DUMMIES). 14.5 OPR.
81. “ELECTRIC AVENUE” (EDDY GRANT). 7.5 OPR.
82. “AFTERNOON DELIGHT” (STARLAND VOCAL BAND). 18.5 OPR.
83. “NA NA HEY HEY KISS HIM GOODBYE” (STEAM).
 11.3 OPR.

MR. IRRELEVANT: 
84. “SAFETY DANCE” (MEN WITHOUT HATS). 7.0 OPR. 

NOTABLE UNDRAFTEDS:
XX. “WHAT IS LOVE” (HADDAWAY). 13.2 OPR.
XX. “RICO SUAVE” (GERARDO). 11.6 OPR.
XX. “ACHY BREAKY HEART” (BILLY RAY CYRUS). 9.6 OPR.


Draft Duration: 4 hours, 5 minutes.
Or about 16 consecutive listenings of “Rapper’s Delight”. 



BY THE METRICS.
AVERAGE MOCK RATING: #TeamHumanity (6.7) < #TeamChaos (6.8)
AVERAGE ALL-STAR RATING: #TeamHumanity (4.2)#TeamChaos (2.0)
AVERAGE POTENTIAL RATING: #TeamHumanity (2.0) > #TeamChaos (1.6)
AVERAGE INTANGIBLES RATING: #TeamHumanity (8.5) > #TeamChaos (7.8)
AVERAGE PROSPECT RATING: #TeamHumanity (21.4) > #TeamChaos (18.2)



CONCLUSION.

The final, ever-evolving rosters for Team Humanity and Team Chaos can be found here.
Who leaves victorious? That choice is yours.

Please cast your vote below. You might as well: you’ve already made it to the bottom of this very long list.


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